externalize it

take the shame i feel the guilt i exist under and externalize to finally let it go and live a freer life.

keeping secrets is a survival tool, learned very early and reinforced by others and now for many years by me. i believe that if i tell the secrets no one will ever love me again. that the people who love me now will stop loving me. that is a powerful deterrent to speaking my truth to power.

if they only knew....

that i have had 4 abortions, the result of not using birth control. maybe this is related to the same behavior that leaves the door unlocked. leaving myself open....physically..like someone who cuts themselves to feel something. but that does not work for me. because i do feel things, many things and deeply. i am not numb all the time. i do disassociate, but i think that is different than being numb and cutting to feel.

that my brother J put his penis in my mouth and peed. he did this in front of his friends, all of whom, as i remember laughed. on several occasions he set up situations to physically hurt and make it look like it was an accident. im embarrassed that i have a brother who would do these things and believe that other people's brothers would never do such things.

that my brother B sexually abused me from at least age five until age fourteen. i never told anyone. i kept it a secret so i feel i became a participant and was not a victim. he once brought my dog into the bedroom and encouraged the dog to lick my genitals while he watched. i was there to satisfy him. mostly through oral sex using my mouth to satisfy himself..

there was no sexual satisfaction for me. but these activities made me sexually aware and put me in a constant state of arousal.  i sought satisfaction to release the tension in my body-by masturbating in the bathroom behind a locked door.. after the bath i would roll up a towel on the bathroom floor,on  those cool tiny green tiles, lay down on top of the towel and grind until i came. sometimes for variety i would use the white hair brush for penetration. sometimes i would try to have sexual experiences with boys my own age - always a disappointing and confusing experience and i now realize threatened - so full of their own fears that they took it out on me by rejecting me publicly in the halls of my junior high. making themselves morally superior to me.

at grier i flirted with bill, the janitor who kept the schools 100 plus years old infrastructure operative. there was a coal burning furnace and in the middle of the night i snuck down to the boiler room and made out with him...he sent me back to my dorm without having sex with me, and my flirting days ended.

 at age fourteen i ended my brother B's sexual oppression-by getting behind a locked door in that tiny green tile bathroom-and saying no. and it stopped. he never attempted to do it again. until again at age 23 at my brothers invitation, i wen to his home and willingly put myself in his bed in his home and again did all the things we used to do.