lock the door

I like Fridays in the morning, then by the afternoon my mood changes and  I am anxious about the weekend. I hate being home alone on the weekend esp Friday nights with no plans. Dalton has a theory about this.


Describe what you do when you get home
I put stuff down and pet the acts. Pee, take off my work clothes. If there is pot I roll a joint and smoke while I cook dinner, unless I brought home dinner. Then TV or crafting or writing. Or I work on a project. Always organizing the sock drawer.


Do you ever just kick back and relax with yourself at home?
I usually keep busy, but yes I binge on TV but have to get up and do something and then come back to it. I sleep. I craft. I write. I keep busy. Usually in bed early. Sleep.

I think we need to find a way for you to feel safe at home. You were abused at home, that is not a safe place for you. I want you to walk in and lock the door behind you. And say to yourself. I am always  safe at home.

No. That's not true.

Okay say. I have been safe behind locked doors.

So I need to tell you that I often don't like my door.

Because you're invincible, or you know that you have survived it before and can again or?

I choose 2. But now I have another theory. I am familiar with being in flight or fight. The unlocked door puts me there. maybe I am more comfortable there because it is familiar. If that is correct, the meditation practice becomes even more important. I thought I was improving (here comes a negative thought but I'll turn it)....

I am improving because I am more aware and I am grateful for that. I know that I have survived it before. I have. Every last one. So I know I could survive it again.