shakey

Last Thursday

i am shaky. very shaky. woke up that way. the previous post was shared with dalton yesterday. i stayed present during therapy. and after i did feel a lift of burden. had dinner w friends and did not drink. i was lighthearted and decided to hang onto that. but thursday morning i am v shaky. feel tearful and sad. felt unsteady and although my hands were not shaking i felt shook...texted dalton for reinforcement.

same again on friday. lots of crying-spontaneous archival crying that just comes...there is a realization of  the enormity of  the work ahead...pandora's box is open after all these years and i felt i would crack and never put myself back together again.  that scares me, it scares me to let go of my survival skills, that have allowed me to exist. now develop new skills of survival. and to do that I have to expose myself, or make myself vulnerable to pain and rejection, or so i think.

the lightheartedness of weds nite already gone.

made my luminary for fool moon. making the luminary i was v stressed and anxious very aware of shaky feelings. was hard to concentrate but i did make the luminary and liked it when done. felt better, shakiness not as severe.

fri nite robby and I went to fool moon which i love. such a funky cool event. then to aut for cocktails as he cruised the crowd and i learned about boy phone apps.

fri got pot for the boys and they left me a lil gift for my help. smoked pot late friday and again on sat which helped me ...i needed the break/slept a lot fri night over to sat morning- smoking was moderate-two joints one fri nite and one on sat morning.-the shakey stopped. the old movies stopped...but i have a new reel of images. a new kind of potency that i am trying to understand. they are of me reading in dalton's office feeling in suspension-once or twice i thought of not reading what i wrote but then read every word..chose courage over comfort...now to keep revealing uncovering allowing truth of what happened to come through. ...

saturday I saw sarah for show rehearsal w chris. was fun.always good to spend time with her. by sunday I was calmer..

now monday morning... and here i go

oh and an epiphany from the weekend....keep on keeping on until this is done...

masturbation and tears. after, i often cry a sorrowful cry. this is in part to me understandable and incongruous.  but i think i got it now.  so there are those big orgasms that come when with a partner that sometimes make you weep because the feelings and the charge are so big and the release is so big that it makes one cry...a good cry a cleansing cry...those seem pure of purpose.

but this cry is different...alone and masturbating and then i cry...but it is a sorrowful cry and i dont feel good...sorrow is the word..but now im thinking guilt and shame...and this is why...mu early forays into masturbating came to relieve myself of pent up feelings ... wait what do I want to say here...during abuse i would disassociate...so my mind wasn't there but my body was...and my body absorbed feelings and held them in...finding no release and or satisfaction... i taught myself how to get satisfaction (cue song here) i taught myself by masturbating and i got release..but as it is now i think i correlate those old feeling s still...im still processing those old pent up feelings of sexual tension that are loaded with guilt and shame......thats why i cry becasue i am sorrowful. i need to change that.