There is this thing that I do. I've always done it. I remember doing it at Grier, Oakridge when I moved downstairs, every apartment, over and over. So there is no destination, just an evolution. Stop thinking about a successful completion.
Start appreciating the journey.
Today the CDs are gathered but not organized yet. There are several separate stacks of papers of various meanings.And there are 4 or more drawers of papers, photos and memorabilia of my own life. That needs organizing too. HAG tapes and papers.
So many things that need to be done should be done because I'll feel better when it is done. And I tell myself that I must get it done before I do anything else. I feel better and work better. Then I buy pot, get stoned and none of it gets all the way done. Ever.
And so it goes.....its an ingrained pattern of behavior. It just happens. The first steps are not in my memory bank. If I realize that I am going to do it, I try and talk myself out of it. But I think sometimes that starts unconscionably, it like a sleep walker who wakes up in the middle of sleep walking. I look around and I have started and I love it, I enjoy it. But I sacrifice the present when I do it. I do ruminate during. We acquire and gather and store and then we give away, stop acquiring as much, and go lighter down the road.
And so it goes.....its an ingrained pattern of behavior. It just happens. The first steps are not in my memory bank. If I realize that I am going to do it, I try and talk myself out of it. But I think sometimes that starts unconscionably, it like a sleep walker who wakes up in the middle of sleep walking. I look around and I have started and I love it, I enjoy it. But I sacrifice the present when I do it. I do ruminate during. We acquire and gather and store and then we give away, stop acquiring as much, and go lighter down the road.
I want to understand it so I can deconstruct it and change the behavior. Get a different result. All the projects are personal....and about downsizing the load or weight of it. Just keeping the essential parts for going forward with my life.
Explore.
http://benourished.org/unlearning-shame/
Also have learned that by observing my own life in a detailed way helps me get away from old movies in my head. Such really watching the coffee change during pour over. I sound like a dork I know. But it helps to do that.
Also have learned that by observing my own life in a detailed way helps me get away from old movies in my head. Such really watching the coffee change during pour over. I sound like a dork I know. But it helps to do that.
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