Monday, May 30, 2016
im home
waking up in a house full of people. had an uneventful drive in from MI. Staying with K/J and the kids. Slept well last night. Im tired and sore but feel good and i am looking forward to being here for the coming 10/now 9 days.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
working on it
for as long as I can remember starts for me at about age 4. and from that age or maybe 5, I was being threatened. The threat was often repeated to make sure I was compliant about everything, about his dick in my mouth or molesting my genitalia. I stayed quiet ... quiet and gaining guilt with every molestation. I would estimate from age 4 or 5 until age 13, I was molested by my brother over 100 times. Some years more than others. and for as long as I can remember it has occupied my body, my memory, a portion of my thoughts every day, and it's effects its residue its power over me has greatly influenced my behavior, my life, my decisions, it has in a way been my fate.
i have always tried to do something about it, always tried to deal with its ramifications both during and after. i have done therapy, meditation, massage, hypnosis, eating sugar fat and salt, smoking pot, reading, even writing and performing. i became an activist and change agent for single moms, women's rights, equality for women, advocate for rape and sexual assault victims, equality for blacks, equal rights for queers, theater for lesbians, and art for everyone.
still it shadows me. still it directs my decisions and i deal with it every single day as it interrupts my day over and over.
therapists ; myron, paul, danny, tom, gerry, alice, suzie, dalton, even a national expert on ptsd who I spent two days with in a convent working on body memory...and two more whose names I have forgotten. those names might be in an old address book in a drawer somewhere, but i don't care enough to go look.
my daughter as a child and a teenager was sexually assaulted on the street ..two attacks. and at age 30 I was raped in my own bed by a dangerous man who came into my house and raped me at gunpoint as kate lay next to me asleep. again i am threatened to be compliant. it just kept coming. but it does every day for women on this planet, it just keeps coming ... i am not alone.
i believe that when i bump up against the blockades I encounter, i keep slamming, hammering, battering away it, until i bust through. the awakening that came at age 12 was to get away, and i did, to boarding school and once there i was free from the threats but not the fear. a classmate gave me a black molly (speed) to stay awake and study, what it did instead was loosen my defenses, my inhibitions, and i told a friend what was happening and she introduced me to her therapist. I remember telling Myron I felt I was a whore. he reassured me i was not. i remember everything about that experience, and I can even now feel the comfort I received in those moments of first breaking my silence with someone who listened and told me i had done nothing wrong. Because of those two visits with myron I was 13 maybe 14 when i SAID NO and it STOPPED. When i heard the familiar car pull into the driveway, for the first time i protected my self by running to the bathroom and locking myself in. I said no and go away through the door. he went away. he never tried again.
simply went away. but fear and guilt and shame stayed.
i have always tried to do something about it, always tried to deal with its ramifications both during and after. i have done therapy, meditation, massage, hypnosis, eating sugar fat and salt, smoking pot, reading, even writing and performing. i became an activist and change agent for single moms, women's rights, equality for women, advocate for rape and sexual assault victims, equality for blacks, equal rights for queers, theater for lesbians, and art for everyone.
still it shadows me. still it directs my decisions and i deal with it every single day as it interrupts my day over and over.
therapists ; myron, paul, danny, tom, gerry, alice, suzie, dalton, even a national expert on ptsd who I spent two days with in a convent working on body memory...and two more whose names I have forgotten. those names might be in an old address book in a drawer somewhere, but i don't care enough to go look.
my daughter as a child and a teenager was sexually assaulted on the street ..two attacks. and at age 30 I was raped in my own bed by a dangerous man who came into my house and raped me at gunpoint as kate lay next to me asleep. again i am threatened to be compliant. it just kept coming. but it does every day for women on this planet, it just keeps coming ... i am not alone.
i believe that when i bump up against the blockades I encounter, i keep slamming, hammering, battering away it, until i bust through. the awakening that came at age 12 was to get away, and i did, to boarding school and once there i was free from the threats but not the fear. a classmate gave me a black molly (speed) to stay awake and study, what it did instead was loosen my defenses, my inhibitions, and i told a friend what was happening and she introduced me to her therapist. I remember telling Myron I felt I was a whore. he reassured me i was not. i remember everything about that experience, and I can even now feel the comfort I received in those moments of first breaking my silence with someone who listened and told me i had done nothing wrong. Because of those two visits with myron I was 13 maybe 14 when i SAID NO and it STOPPED. When i heard the familiar car pull into the driveway, for the first time i protected my self by running to the bathroom and locking myself in. I said no and go away through the door. he went away. he never tried again.
simply went away. but fear and guilt and shame stayed.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
mud
please feel a responsibility for the energy you bring into this space
I am responsible for the energy i bring to work every day. i remind myself here, because it is difficult to change my thing on this. yesterday i woke up happy and then through the day little hooks got me down. i put too much into other people's opinions of me esp L my boss. the least little thing and i feel bad, no good, rotten or i did something wrong. and then im down about it. I like going home because it feels safe there. nobody to judge me. just me and the cats. that cannot be good for me. i am going out tonight with friends. and it's not like i completely isolate. but i do make efforts to preserve my alone time. im suffering from anxiety and depression, and it feels sometimes like i am slugging through mud to keep going. self expression through art does lift me...dries the mud to dust and it blows away.
I am responsible for the energy i bring to work every day. i remind myself here, because it is difficult to change my thing on this. yesterday i woke up happy and then through the day little hooks got me down. i put too much into other people's opinions of me esp L my boss. the least little thing and i feel bad, no good, rotten or i did something wrong. and then im down about it. I like going home because it feels safe there. nobody to judge me. just me and the cats. that cannot be good for me. i am going out tonight with friends. and it's not like i completely isolate. but i do make efforts to preserve my alone time. im suffering from anxiety and depression, and it feels sometimes like i am slugging through mud to keep going. self expression through art does lift me...dries the mud to dust and it blows away. Monday, May 23, 2016
ch ch ch changes
i am feeling / making change happen. I have been to the gym 3 days in a row, sleeping better and sugars lower. my hip hurts but i am ok.
woke up in a very good mood. so exercise also improves my mood. i know this. eating healthier.
had a visit with Sarah Sunday and it was nourishing. I attribute much of my better mood this morning at the start of my day to being with Sarah. I am more connected to he than to almost anyone else.
all day i think of things i want to write about...discoveries i have made...and then when i find time to write the thoughts cannot be recalled. frustrating.
i organized all my meds into many of those pill organizers. smh. well now easier to know whether i did take my pills every day as prescribed. self care. cooked meals all weekend.
leave for home in6 days...and I am counting the days...be so nice to get away. so nice.
i was thinking today about how i have never really written anything about the night I was raped, and the days weeks and months that followed. wondering if i should do that.
finally stop feeling bad about telling my dad what i had to ...to get back to grier for my senior year. I felt i manipulated the situation. i know now i did not. I was taking care of myself. I was staying safe. it was true that i was afraid to be at home..i did a good thing for me...a very good thing for me.
woke up in a very good mood. so exercise also improves my mood. i know this. eating healthier.
had a visit with Sarah Sunday and it was nourishing. I attribute much of my better mood this morning at the start of my day to being with Sarah. I am more connected to he than to almost anyone else.
all day i think of things i want to write about...discoveries i have made...and then when i find time to write the thoughts cannot be recalled. frustrating.
i organized all my meds into many of those pill organizers. smh. well now easier to know whether i did take my pills every day as prescribed. self care. cooked meals all weekend.
leave for home in6 days...and I am counting the days...be so nice to get away. so nice.
i was thinking today about how i have never really written anything about the night I was raped, and the days weeks and months that followed. wondering if i should do that.
finally stop feeling bad about telling my dad what i had to ...to get back to grier for my senior year. I felt i manipulated the situation. i know now i did not. I was taking care of myself. I was staying safe. it was true that i was afraid to be at home..i did a good thing for me...a very good thing for me.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
first second third thoughts
dismiss my thoughts. hard for me to go with my first thought. I often
change my mind and choose something else. this morning i followed
through. I'll go to a coffee shop and write. Left the house
directionless but found my way here.
feeling not as good as others that are present in my life.
feeling not good
tuesday i kept thinking about love
me coming from a place of love every day
making a morning promise that today i will operate from love
not fear or hatred
i promise myself that today i will make my intention about love
let go of my anger and fear
let go of thinking i have done something wrong
let go of my defensiveness
let go of reacting and make every effort to respond instead
dont anticipate what will be said but instead hear what is being said
this is particularly true at work and in my dyke march work
i was reading about empaths
and then unlike other times i scrolled through the comment section and found a comment better than the original article
empaths are more aware of reading other's energy
when you smell something is rotten in denmark
when you know someone is phony before others
take it as an invitation to heal oneself
to clear whatever has hooked me and let my compassion and empathy
come into play
hang in and realize what is going on
have good boundaries
see that that person is suffering too
not wanting to be involved with someone who is fake
but do so with a different awareness
that comes from love
not oh my god or wtf
heal myself first
i am more vulnerable
allowing it after so many years with armor on
what was
no longer works
it did work for a long time
but now i see it no longer works
feeling not as good as others that are present in my life.
feeling not good
tuesday i kept thinking about love
me coming from a place of love every day
making a morning promise that today i will operate from love
not fear or hatred
i promise myself that today i will make my intention about love
let go of my anger and fear
let go of thinking i have done something wrong
let go of my defensiveness
let go of reacting and make every effort to respond instead
dont anticipate what will be said but instead hear what is being said
this is particularly true at work and in my dyke march work
i was reading about empaths
and then unlike other times i scrolled through the comment section and found a comment better than the original article
empaths are more aware of reading other's energy
when you smell something is rotten in denmark
when you know someone is phony before others
take it as an invitation to heal oneself
to clear whatever has hooked me and let my compassion and empathy
come into play
hang in and realize what is going on
have good boundaries
see that that person is suffering too
not wanting to be involved with someone who is fake
but do so with a different awareness
that comes from love
not oh my god or wtf
heal myself first
i am more vulnerable
allowing it after so many years with armor on
what was
no longer works
it did work for a long time
but now i see it no longer works
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
weds
Middle of work week
weekend relief two days away
sad
sad
missing daughter
home seems empty without her
so much done alone
is that independent?
shop, cook, clean, carry
for me by me
for all of my adult life
even with partners
i did that for myself
i let friends in close
they were lifelines
lines for staying alive
highschool taught me
friends are important
single parenthood
gave me community
with other single parents
gave me identity
theater
gave me community
dyke queerness
gave me community
i do not really have community now
i miss it
weekend relief two days away
sad
sad
missing daughter
home seems empty without her
so much done alone
is that independent?
shop, cook, clean, carry
for me by me
for all of my adult life
even with partners
i did that for myself
i let friends in close
they were lifelines
lines for staying alive
highschool taught me
friends are important
single parenthood
gave me community
with other single parents
gave me identity
theater
gave me community
dyke queerness
gave me community
i do not really have community now
i miss it
thoughts
Sugar was over 200 this morning ...not good.
Met with Dalton yesterday...
Difficult session and I left feeling worse.She mentioned during session, whats going on with you, you're really beating yourself up today.
Pam and I talked at lunch today about how we are both super sensitive these days. We both want to be less sensitive.
Met with Dalton yesterday...
Difficult session and I left feeling worse.She mentioned during session, whats going on with you, you're really beating yourself up today.
Pam and I talked at lunch today about how we are both super sensitive these days. We both want to be less sensitive.
Monday, May 9, 2016
departures
Departure can be difficult and a relief at the same time.
Kate left this morning, and I stayed home from work until she was all packed and ready to go. WE both got teary on our hug goodbye. We always do but this time was more difficult, I guess because I thought I might have found a way home, but I did not. That remains a work in progress.
I have decided that I will begin to pack some things, and downsize by selling some things on ebay. That will at least make me feel as if I have movement to get home.
But again, and this might be the PTSD, I get fearful when I think about leaving and going back home. I send many negative messages to myself. I'm too old is the biggest one. I am behind the curve. The city has changed a lot and I do not know the new players. I am too old.
Thinking of staying makes me sad. Leaving Dalton, Cynthia, Pam and Robby makes me sad. Leaving the job box makes me relieved. When I think of that I think I get a fresh start, the fresh start I want. A fresh start to do an even better job somewhere else because of what I have learned.
And because here I now feel exposed, betrayed, not safe. It's like the "if they only knew" has become TheyKnow
TheyMustKnowByNow that I am not a good development director and that I have a bullshit detector, I have an edge and I am the boss.
All of those traits kept me safe outside of my home environment where for most of my life I was never safe.
The bullshit detector kept dangerous people away. My edge made me feel like I was protecting myself from harm.
The boss always has more power, so makes me feel safer.
Human beings can be very complex and complicated.
Kate left this morning, and I stayed home from work until she was all packed and ready to go. WE both got teary on our hug goodbye. We always do but this time was more difficult, I guess because I thought I might have found a way home, but I did not. That remains a work in progress.
I have decided that I will begin to pack some things, and downsize by selling some things on ebay. That will at least make me feel as if I have movement to get home.
But again, and this might be the PTSD, I get fearful when I think about leaving and going back home. I send many negative messages to myself. I'm too old is the biggest one. I am behind the curve. The city has changed a lot and I do not know the new players. I am too old.
Thinking of staying makes me sad. Leaving Dalton, Cynthia, Pam and Robby makes me sad. Leaving the job box makes me relieved. When I think of that I think I get a fresh start, the fresh start I want. A fresh start to do an even better job somewhere else because of what I have learned.
And because here I now feel exposed, betrayed, not safe. It's like the "if they only knew" has become TheyKnow
TheyMustKnowByNow that I am not a good development director and that I have a bullshit detector, I have an edge and I am the boss.
All of those traits kept me safe outside of my home environment where for most of my life I was never safe.
The bullshit detector kept dangerous people away. My edge made me feel like I was protecting myself from harm.
The boss always has more power, so makes me feel safer.
Human beings can be very complex and complicated.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
new moon
new moon on Friday brought me Kate and much love
rehearsal went really well
cynthia and amy helped us pull it all together
the performers really showed up
sweet time at dinner with robby and kate
at our fave spot
pretty boy server a delight
anita hill
home to sleep
staurday was a marathon
before 10:30 we had accomplished
breakfast at zingermans
farmer's market
hollanders
costco
trader joes
then
bessie smith
chilling at home
kate and sarah for moms day dinner
theater! showtime!
all went smooth
great show
standing ovation
beautiful words/flowers from Robbie that touched my heart and soul
hanging out afterwards
home
sleep
woke up to beautiful mother's day card
literati
coffee
aventura
new moon brings new possibilities
and last night i could feel that in the theater
in the dark
watching everyone
watch and listen and appluad
listening to the applause
rehearsal went really well
cynthia and amy helped us pull it all together
the performers really showed up
sweet time at dinner with robby and kate
at our fave spot
pretty boy server a delight
anita hill
home to sleep
staurday was a marathon
before 10:30 we had accomplished
breakfast at zingermans
farmer's market
hollanders
costco
trader joes
then
bessie smith
chilling at home
kate and sarah for moms day dinner
theater! showtime!
all went smooth
great show
standing ovation
beautiful words/flowers from Robbie that touched my heart and soul
hanging out afterwards
home
sleep
woke up to beautiful mother's day card
literati
coffee
aventura
new moon brings new possibilities
and last night i could feel that in the theater
in the dark
watching everyone
watch and listen and appluad
listening to the applause
Friday, May 6, 2016
mother's day weekend
my daughter is coming today and I am so happy about it!!!
tech rehearsal is tonight and I am happy about that too.
still tears this morning
i do believe that for my life, since I was a little girl, I have tried always to a good person, and since being a young adult I worked to deal with my depression and anxiety. Deal with the sexual abuse in a way that could provide me peace and be a good person.
but i think that i block my self with these bad thoughts and do not give myself credit.or give myself a break.
but this weekend i am going to enjoy my daughter's company and the show ... and be happy and feel good
tech rehearsal is tonight and I am happy about that too.
still tears this morning
i do believe that for my life, since I was a little girl, I have tried always to a good person, and since being a young adult I worked to deal with my depression and anxiety. Deal with the sexual abuse in a way that could provide me peace and be a good person.
but i think that i block my self with these bad thoughts and do not give myself credit.or give myself a break.
but this weekend i am going to enjoy my daughter's company and the show ... and be happy and feel good
Thursday, May 5, 2016
what's stopping me?
I am very glad I decided to do AWGO. It has been a good experience for me. It has been fun to be in rehearsals. It has been good for me to do something I love and enjoy. There is not much I allow myself to enjoy. I truly believe I stop myself for one reason or another and I need to look at that. Is it my size, body image issue or body size that stops me? Sometimes I think I have no right to do things I enjoy when many people are suffering...like some sort of phucked up privilege guilt. Or is it just that I feel guilty. Guilty as charged of everything. Saying sorry all the time. Crap. Its all crap.
Kate is coming for the weekend and I am so excited. And just the two of us, which is rare.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
home
I do not feel at home here. I miss home.
I miss my friends and I miss the feeling of history surrounding me. Funny isn't it? Or I find it funny that when I left I was 50, and I left because I was pissed off, not sure at what. But the way I feel now, feels familiar to how I felt then.
I feel betrayed at work. But I have felt betrayed before, so I am actually making it up to myself, because that is what I expect, am used to? So much so that I only see that, even when it is not?
I was betrayed at home with my original family. They fell down on their job. I was left unguarded to a predator living in our home.
I feel vulnerable and unprotected at work. But that is silly. It is a place where I work. I am adult. No predators here. People who do not appreciate and or respect me.
I feel trapped or stuck where I am now. I am in control of my life, as much as any 62 year diabetic can be, my parents no longer make all my decisions, and I am no longer dependent on them, but yet I feel like I did when I was. Or I sometimes feel that way and today is one of them. I am unable to get out from under the oppression of my life. The car payment, insurance payment, rent payment, and etc. The treadmill of life 101.
I am pissed, and hurt and upset that I did not get the BPAC job. I am upset that I do not NOW get to say I am leaving for greener happier pastures. I really want to say those words. Probably for all the wrong reasons. For reasons not grounded in love, but in anger. I am pissed that I don't get to make more money. I am pissed that I am not seeing a way out...into a safer space.
I espoused a lot of rhetoric last week. It was a great learning experience. Now I have my collateral's ready for the next opportunity. I have had a lot of practice interviewing. I have clarity on my desires. I am focused. I know I want to go home..now. I want to be with my friends. All of it true. But now this week...I am just pissed off about it. Pissed off that it is delayed.
I am not spending my time in the ways that I want to.
I have had fun in rehearsals but they are almost too easy. And only Robby has true feelings about the power of theater. I miss that. I miss the arts. I miss being around activists.
I feel like crap. Did it to myself. Binged. Pot food television. Now I have a cough, and what feels like a permanent headache. Work is a headache, I drag myself in. When I sit down at my desk I write in blogger, or cruise facebook, or play solitaire on my phone. I covet the hours when I am alone at work. The only work I enjoy any more is working with donors. That has not diminished.
p.s. I have written something every day since the 29th...for several days in a row. That is a good thing for me. I hope by this time next week I have added to my daily practice-exercise.
I miss my friends and I miss the feeling of history surrounding me. Funny isn't it? Or I find it funny that when I left I was 50, and I left because I was pissed off, not sure at what. But the way I feel now, feels familiar to how I felt then.
I feel betrayed at work. But I have felt betrayed before, so I am actually making it up to myself, because that is what I expect, am used to? So much so that I only see that, even when it is not? I was betrayed at home with my original family. They fell down on their job. I was left unguarded to a predator living in our home.
I feel vulnerable and unprotected at work. But that is silly. It is a place where I work. I am adult. No predators here. People who do not appreciate and or respect me.
I feel trapped or stuck where I am now. I am in control of my life, as much as any 62 year diabetic can be, my parents no longer make all my decisions, and I am no longer dependent on them, but yet I feel like I did when I was. Or I sometimes feel that way and today is one of them. I am unable to get out from under the oppression of my life. The car payment, insurance payment, rent payment, and etc. The treadmill of life 101.
I am pissed, and hurt and upset that I did not get the BPAC job. I am upset that I do not NOW get to say I am leaving for greener happier pastures. I really want to say those words. Probably for all the wrong reasons. For reasons not grounded in love, but in anger. I am pissed that I don't get to make more money. I am pissed that I am not seeing a way out...into a safer space.
I espoused a lot of rhetoric last week. It was a great learning experience. Now I have my collateral's ready for the next opportunity. I have had a lot of practice interviewing. I have clarity on my desires. I am focused. I know I want to go home..now. I want to be with my friends. All of it true. But now this week...I am just pissed off about it. Pissed off that it is delayed.
I am not spending my time in the ways that I want to.
I have had fun in rehearsals but they are almost too easy. And only Robby has true feelings about the power of theater. I miss that. I miss the arts. I miss being around activists.
I feel like crap. Did it to myself. Binged. Pot food television. Now I have a cough, and what feels like a permanent headache. Work is a headache, I drag myself in. When I sit down at my desk I write in blogger, or cruise facebook, or play solitaire on my phone. I covet the hours when I am alone at work. The only work I enjoy any more is working with donors. That has not diminished.
p.s. I have written something every day since the 29th...for several days in a row. That is a good thing for me. I hope by this time next week I have added to my daily practice-exercise.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Miserable Monday
Slept well, but forgot to take my meds this morning. I'm already at work. Sigh.
Self care
That is what I want to focus on now.
Self care
walking
taking meds as directed
exercise
eat healthy
stay away from sugar.
stay away from sugar.
no sugar
meditate more
move more
Write every day. Write every day. Write every day. Read every day. Read more.
Only working half a day today. Going home, finish house cleaning, finish laundry.
Get ready for my appointment with DC. Why is it I always feel I have to get ready for an appointment with Dalton. Can't walk in there empty headed. Why do I say that to myself every week. Add that pressure?
Self care
That is what I want to focus on now.
Self care
walking
taking meds as directed
exercise
eat healthy
stay away from sugar.
stay away from sugar.
no sugar
meditate more
move more
Write every day. Write every day. Write every day. Read every day. Read more.
Only working half a day today. Going home, finish house cleaning, finish laundry.
Get ready for my appointment with DC. Why is it I always feel I have to get ready for an appointment with Dalton. Can't walk in there empty headed. Why do I say that to myself every week. Add that pressure?
Sunday, May 1, 2016
walked through it before
I need to remind myself that I have walked through it before and from this point now, allow myself to move ahead. I have walked through it before, carrying what I had to carry. Some days are better than others. Some days have more challenges, and some less. Remind my self....Practice gratitude to stay connected & to feel better. I am grateful for the tulips my friend gave me and the ever blooming African Violet on my desk. I am grateful that I have some pot. I am grateful that Kate and Jane will be coming here soon to visit. I am grateful that I have rehearsals to work on. I am grateful for my job. I am grateful that it is spring and I can open windows in the house. I am grateful for my cats and their health. I am grateful for Kate, Nancy, Garland, Cyd, Gerri, Cecile, Dalton, Trish, Tee, Cynthia, Robbie, Pam, Jane, Rahwa, Lorna and Robby who helped me, guided me, encouraged me, believed in me, supported me, and loved me through it. That was amazing. That felt so good.
I'm on a sugar binge like real bad. Not good. Not good. V Bad.
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