better

i am feeling better. i am feeling better. i am eating healthier and i am working out and it does feel good and i am having fun doing it. taking meds as instructed. self care on the increase.

some bit of hope has returned and crept into my consciousness.

meditation would be helpful.

regret and remorse have been on my mind. prevalent. robbed of so many options because i told myself it wasn't possible for me. it made me feel vulnerable to think of me and big ideas. robbed of joy. robbed of time. ripped off. deprived.

to write the book and tell my story means that i might be victimized again-that's the fear that stops me. . people will reject me, abandon me, judge me negatively...it feels like im just letting myself off the hook by forgiving myself. so i don't forgive myself. i have not yet learned how to not be to be complicit in the crimes that were committed by me  is a burden of grief and shame.

it is what makes me cry every morning. it is as if at that moment every day i feel the heft of it across my shoulders and the sheer weight of it makes me cry. every day. for many many years now.

i talked about amanda because i am worried about kate. the first year after amanda died i kept thinking i was going to lose kate.  worried about kate she feels distant and unhealthy.

learning

July 3 2015

under attack by scam credit collectors in May. all energy went to responding and throwing cold water on my ptsd. really threw me down and out with fear, shame and guilt, despite the FACT that it was clearly a scam. everyone could see that. but it didn't feel that way, to me. to me it felt i was under attack and in jeopardy of loosing everything. i think i am coping better than i really am.

there is a recalibration happening too which makes these experiences different than they were in my past. as i allow myself more vulnerable feelings the fear becomes greater. Fear increases not decreases. toughness would make behave and look tougher. vulnerability makes me look weak.  and this is where i am supposed to jump in and say that it take more bravery to be vulnerable than it does to look tough.

but i also learned -again- that my resilience saves me. i do survive, nothing really bad happened and i feel safe again. as safe as i allow myself to feel. aye there the rub...maybe more accurate to say i feel safer than i did in May.

I have learned through some innovative dna testing that what i needed was more folic acid, to make the Welbrutin effective. the chemical chain was broken. i started taking folic acid and have already greatly lowered my Wellbrutin dose.feel better. also feel exhausted. struggling with tiredness. most likely the cortisol that charged me up or made a bear for hard work has fallen away and i find i am exhausted. my main source of atomic energy at bay.  how do I get back energy without living in a constant state of flight or fight?

agreements and etc.

 Reading the four agreements and I can see why D wanted me to read it.  I do like it. Treating it like a motel bible I have a copy in both current travel destinations.  Seems odd to be traveling back n forth so much. Trip is getting easier.

Memory loss or lapses or amnesia  concerns me. It seems severe. Suddenly more so, and new to the experience, just not remembering, as if it never happened.

I have to go to work today and it is the last thing I want to do. Last. Yesterday was perfectly horrid. I am again binging to forget all that I am seeing and feeling. It is too much to bear. It is wearing me down and I am rebelling in old ways. Ways I had stopped for years.

perfectly horrid
because i stopped the feelings
but what i had to do to stop them

sugar
lots
sleep
pot sugar sleep
that was the perfect part.. the sleep
soft sheets and pillows
purring cat
comfort
sleep
I awake yesterday at 3 and was on the road by 3:30 a.m. got to A2 by 9 a.m.
and spent the day as described

now today i must normalize and go to work and work

stat a new journal
throw out anything from M..still finding odds and ends
and that is what she was-- just odds and ends.
 now swept into a dustpan...and lost to the landfill
along with her un-forwarded mail

panic
if they only knew
nothing bad is going to happen
but something bad always happens
so when i tell myself to calm down
i immediately revert and remember trauma and loss
and say no something bad will happen


last Thursday day after therapy
why does it take me so long to get angry at what has happened to me, why don't I get the anger out right away. Because it is not safe. It is not safe to express my anger, my brother's threats prevented me expressing my anger. The fear being that if I express my anger I would lose the love of my family. I would be outcast.  powerful stuff.

Last Friday leaving for bflo
Express anger through activism. 
leave this afternoon for bflo, again.

drive getting easier. im the little engine that does.
ever ready bunny

buffalo buffalo buffalo

so very different from A2, it is striking ... how different.

here doing dyke march work .. meetings and stuff.

i am suspended between feelings of hope and feelings of should i come home?

here is maybe a better place for me to be creative. the dyke march has given me a place to be creative...despite the horrible heat and only ac in my car not where I am staying shit

sense of belonging very strong here
feel safe here

but being around Kate full time would be a stressor
she is so full of anxiety

being home is familiar and I feel so unfamiliar to myself right now, that being home is a comfort

resistant and persistent

i am resisitent and resilient

some of my resilience comes from

• Close relationship with my father
• confidence in my strengths and abilities
• Good problem-solving and communication skills
• Seeking help and resources
• Seeing myself as resilient (rather than as a victim)
• Helping others
• Finding positive meaning in my life despite difficult or traumatic event

This past week in Buffalo I met a young woman who was carrying a world full of hurt. And i had  an opportunity to learn again that what has saved me from being her...is my resilience. That is why I am still vertical.

I am not going to give up. I will continue to seek help and resources, I will continue to curate my self care, and I will continue to find positive meaning.

I believe that i am resistant and persistent and need to practice consistent.

doc and doc

doc w says she is not happy because I am not happy. ok I'll up your wellbrutin but if this doesn't help i want you to see a psychiatrist. tell your therapist I'm not happy that you're not sleeping, not swimming, your blood pressure is up,  just tell her for me that I am not happy that you are not happy.

doc d wants me to read the four agreements. i am. i like.

had a v difficult week. nightmares about childhood sexual abuse. new ones and now remembering others. some dreams/nightmares stay with you forever. more vomiting. more anxiety. more trying to calm myself. more eating whatever I want and now drinking every day. no exercising in more than a week.

not enough to suffer

weds april 22

its not enough to suffer, whats the point of that? it has to count for something
so far in my life it has counted for
momma single parent group 1975-78
erie county task force against rape and sexual assault training of nurse docs lawyers judges teachers da office cops sheriffs high school students and ourselves
ujima theatre co.
prosecution of my rapist/rapist of at least 11 other women
hag theatre and my art
dykes do drag
pride festival moved from just drag queens to everyone in alphabet
dyke march buffalo
big gap cancer battle and recovery
racial equality in philanthropy
more art
love of artists

 now
when will i say I  have suffered enough?
will i be able to convince my body to stop truggering the thoughts
how will i stop the entrenched thought of unworthiness
when will the river of tears stop
could i ever allow myself to be truly vulnerable
will i ever dump the exaggerated startle response

enough already enough 55 years of enough

what replaces what fills up the empty space left behind by allowing suffering to exit stage left
what enters stage right and replaces it?
when am i center stage

choose courage over comfort and the familiar
choose the unfamiliar
keep saying the words outloud
keep telling
stop keeping secrets

stop speaking to please therapist