connected and present at home in Blo

I'm home in Buffalo with Sarah and Carmen. Saw the family last night. I won't put quotes around it and allow genetics to influence me. My freedom derives from the fact that Sarah and Carmen are my family, and Kate's..as is Zoe Lorna Milk Rahwa RobbieTrish..

Reading Urvashi Vaid's new book. You know feeling of reading a new book and within the first few pages it feelings like coming home to your own intuitive feeling and lived experience? So much of life has affirmed by the books I have found in moments of self in a bookstore and now I guess online, when I find a book and read it and it transforms or inspires or saves me  from isolation in my otherness as I experience it.

Seeing Rahwa pregnant made Sarah and I cry... both the joy of the coming baby and the acknowledgement of her and Milk's willingness to be courageous and have a child after the loss of Asa is by far one of the bravest acts of love I have ever personally witnessed...

Lorna looks good. Seems mos def buoyed by her new reconstructed breast!

Learned something about myself yesterday. With Lorna and I did not smoke pot. My original goal to come home and not smoke has been achieved so far but the lack of :numbness' in her presence definitely made me anxious and uncomfortable and I was flooded with emotions that normally I would have put some Teflon on by smoking pot. lesson learned.

Having wonderful conversations with Carmen about micro-aggression and race. It is a good down home feeling to be with Sarah and have uninterrupted and liberated unguarded  conversations with her. I was able to have a conversation with Sarah about the race meeting last week..my not knowing how to be a white woman among white people.

feeling like I am breathing deeper...and without as much restriction.

good start

I took care of me yesterday. I did go work out. Went to weight training room and to the nu step. Did about 25 mins total and today I will go again . I meditated.  I also ate healthy all day. Took my meds. At the end of the day I got stressed about something but came home and went to bed early.

I did not test all day and I did eat some popcorn after 7 but not tons of popcorn, so today I will repeat and add testing all day. Feels pretty good.

Damn cat woke me at 2:30 because he wanted to get outside. He's out now.

Tears
every day
I cry every day
miss my dad
I grieve or what I do not have
I grieve for what I never had....

I am afraid
that I have no real worth in the world and that I never will

in ten years
which will fly by
in ten years I will be 70
in 7 months I will be 60
both of these facts terrify me
they require
or it feels as if it requires
a kind of surrender
but I am not done fighting
I have always been fighting
one oppression or another
being a child abused by two brothers and ignored by a mother and forgotten by a sister
a working class daughter of an immigrant was the source of strength
fought or Kate against all odds
a single mom in a society that does not support that choice
choice
equal pay
fought the system of docs cops lawyers and judges that blame the victim for her rape
fought to change it
fought the society that said queer was bad
fought or my world to understand that different was good
HAG
Pride
fought cancer
fought obesity
now I am struggling
without a fight
except the oldest and first
loneliness

animal acts

Trish gets here in a month and I have put on some weight and don't feel as good as I did and a month after that is pride. already march is over and of the last two years this last three months is the longest lapse. I have been drinking too...maybe once a week a couple o cosmos. done with that. going to go home to buffalo and the real test for me will be can I stay off pot while home in buffalo. ..maybe say the real victory will be to stay present and feel what I feel and accept that.

test my sugar 4 x a day
get really tight to my calorie count
aerobic exercise and whatever weight training I can do
meditate every day
write down what I eat
no eating after 7 at night
no eating after 7 at night

so today I recommit....to me...get the the rec center and rec! get about my own health and happiness. commit to self understanding acceptance and compassion of self.

I believe
I believe
I believe in me
my worth
my talent

had a dream about Dunklemen last night.... odd. I was quitting my job with him..i was quitting my hrwc job but with him....worked there late 80's almost 25 years...
that was a job where I looked to prove myself...and get acceptance...by mike and others but ...
oh bolax! talked to wendy. she quit therapy a reminder to me that we all get stuck in thought patterns. an encouragement to me that I keep pluggin away

I want to plan a big 60 bash
but I am afraid it will not meet my expectations
that folks will let me down
because I have that old belief that my family won't love me
Im still the little girl trying to make her family accept her
make them do what they are supposed to do

the weekend was good. I was at the Animal Acts performance festival at UM.. HH .. Carmelita Tropicana...felt like Hallwalls days. HH still keeps her distance. but it was fun and energizing to be at performances and with artists my preferred tribe.
I also reconnected with Kimberly by going to her baby shower...she looks great and healthy and happy. was wonderful to see her. and I am glad I attended and did not give a bullshit excuse  not participate.

Corrodes

Feeling better
and feeling the same
No pot all week. Eating healthier. Taking better care but have not quite regained what I have abandoned and am trying to get back. But making progress. Making an effort is important to acknowledge. Having compassion and understanding for myself is also important. I read a beautiful blog by Brene Brown. It rang so loud...

Shame diminishes our capacity for empathy.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.

Corrodes

That is what happens to me. My belief or faith in myself is corroded by my shame.

I define shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Along with many other shame researchers, I’ve come to the conclusion that shame is much more likely to be the source of dangerous, destructive, and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.

My hurtful behaviors are binge eating pot smoking and poor decisions on sexual partners

It is human nature  to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition.

This is me running into Laura's office for recognition. It might even be why I fundraise it comes with recognition. You recognize a donor, and gain recognition every time you bring in a dollar and you are making those who have give to those that have need. Like I have need,

It’s when we feel shame or the fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others....
Attack and humiliate others..I am guilty of that. That is me yelling at the telephone company or being difficult on the phone with tech support or with a clerk at plum because they have "offended" me with bad customer service.Guilt is better than shame so thanks Brene for teaching me. Guilt could help me change behaviors, Shame keeps me a non believer of change in myself and it hurts forever..every day.
The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the difference between “I am bad” and “I did something bad.” Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.

headache in the morning

I blew off meditation on Monday too. I was stoned. Didn't want to go.


woke up with a headache and I had a hard time falling asleep last night
but I felt good at work yesterday. not stoned, and my eating was better controlled.

All my good habits
eat well and healthy and less
count calories
work out at gym
feeling better
loosing weight

I want that back

binge

I am binging my way back to obesity.

And I want to go in reverse from where I am today and go forward healthy which is how I feel better and take care of me. I just threw out all my pot. A mini dramatic moment. Never done that before. I always smoke to the last leaf. Going to work not stoned. Good. I think. Get my sugars back under control and my eating. I believe that I can do this. I can do this. And I only do it when I am not using pot. I want to stop using pot. Forever. I see myself at 60 not using anymore. But sober and present willingly and being happy.

Here I go again. Cats by my side. Kate on my side. Good job. Good friends. Great memories. And I keep learning. I keep making personal best progress. With every year I think I do experience personal growth and I keep making changes based on that new knowledge.

have not stopped

Feel bad
bought more pot
irresponsible
stoned
eating
sleeping
not exercising
getting fat again
that is the pattern

smoked a quarter, now another half.

and so it goes

True to form I bought $25 worth of pot and I will be smoking this weekend

also had two ginger cosmos at Jolly last night with Beth and Lisa.
Lisa told me about a friend who celebrated 60 by renting a place and she had made a dvd of her life that she showed and everyone told stories. She was suggesting autobiography... Croning
...
Go to michfest as part of accepting crone

a ok

I've become fond of telling people I am turning sixty because they all say the same thing NO you DONT look sixty" Ha...

Beth told me she loved Kate and that she was duly impressed with Kate's old school butch. I smiled. True I did raise an old school butch...the Peggy Shaw Trish Kerle . It is odd I never said to myself make Kate this...so without intention...there is Bobby Smith....

Encore

Crone Breakfast
Pat Donovan
Carol Wasson
Lorna Hill
Sarah Norat
Robbie Butler
Kastle Brill

ask for mother stories


Encore Evening

Kastle Brill
Carole Wasson
Lorna
Sarah
Marilyn
Rene
Kate and Erin
Terence Katherine
Smitty and Kerry Kate
Cyd Anthony
Beaufort
Jimmie and Gerrie
Alexis De Veaux
Peggy Shaw
Ron and Don
Ed Cardoni

Chet
Sahaja
Hilda and Ro
Amilcar and Rahwah and Zoe
Robbie Bobby and Julie

30 acres

By age seven I knew every inch of 30 acres of pasture, fence posts. horses, one half mile of the 18 mile creek,  one mile from the largest county fair in the country, the barn hayloft, all the best climbing trees. Buffalo Raceway track and barns and grounds and the Hotel Lafayette. . 

Armor Kindergarden, St Bernadette's, Charlotte Avenue,

another binge

binge by binge I am putting back on weight.
feel crappy tis a.m. because I smoked and ate myself into a comma Friday and Saturday and I liked it till I get the point where I feel like sit like now and then I hate it.

it was such a good week until I smoked
dammit me

one joint

got pot for Jared yesterday which gave me an opp to sit and chat with him...one of my favorite things to do. I rolled one small joint brought it home smoked and ate and ate and slept (very well) and then this morning my sugar was 148 and I have a headache, and sick stomach.. the old story.

back and forth I go....

kastle james lorna sarah
in that group I belong because in that diversity I belong
no one sticks out no one is left out we all belong together in our differences we are equal.

I feel crappy now.
crappy because in this homogenized very white middle class town
I am the loser
no property
no savings
still living pay check to paycheck
all alone
no partner
loser
standing next to their values I don't add up

frustrated

always
at every job
I get so frustrated with co-workers
annoyed
frustrated
angry
do your job I do mine
do your job well god damn it
I do mine well
I expect the same from you
don't tell me how to do what I know how to do
 I often feel like co-workers/bosses let me down
people not doing what they are supposed to do
not fulfilling their obligations
that must be transference
my mom not being a mom
not protecting me
not doing her job
and I'm still pissed about it
I had to step up
as a child
and be an adult before I was an adult
on my own without support from brothers and sister
I do that at work
co=worker not doing it
okay I'll do it myelf
get it done
do what needs to be done
As a child I had to
figure it out
I had to
make my way
on my own
Dad was not keeping me safe from mom and bobby
so I figured out how to be safe
run away to the woods
run away to grier
escape
or fight
or lie
or do it myself

my self. all by myself. do it myself. I was thinking the other day that I was lonely as a child. Surrounded by others but feeling alone. I felt like I was in the land of the giants. No one like me little. And on the farm I didn't feel like I had any friends really. Just Beverly..when I got to 6th grade I met her and we connected. She remained my friend until she died. On Bayview and Oakridge there were other children but no one I was really close to. Same at school. I felt outside trying to get in. I still feel that often...
At Grier it was different...there I had friends. I felt connected to teachers and to my friends. I also felt outside...
At work now I feel an outsider to all the staff. Middle class, graduate degrees for all of them, but not me, all of them married, all have young or very young children, but my child is as old as they are. They are all straight and I am queer.
I look for the differences, I define myself by how I am different than the others. Not how I am the same.

11 days no pot.

 

no memory

I finally determined why I have no memory of the second carpal tunnel surgery, and why I was so very chatty and could not sleep at all.. It was a different anesthesia. Maybe because this surgery was simpler. Wow. I am going to address this on my follow up visit.

No pot. Wendy has been over twice but no smoking. good job Margaret. I wet the bed last night. oh the joys of aging.

I am making efforts to be kinder to myself and be more present. Eating  better, but have not regained my momentum on exercising.

Going to try and really do my work, and stop phoning it in. I have been delaying and avoiding my work because I am bored and I feel bad about that. This is a good job in so many ways but I feel little joy.
I miss many parts of my old life and long for the joy and excitement I once experienced with HAG or at Hallwalls. Those were the jbs I loved. The ones I did for me.

I should write the autobiography. Might help me gain compassion and understanding and grace. I feel grace now when connecting with Crash and Jump and I feel it with Kate. My beautiful daughter Kate.

Yep

Yep I did it, Wendy came, and I did not smoke pot.
 She offered and I said no. Could I keep saying no?
Time will tell as they say. Seven days of no pot.
And diet Pepsi. More than two weeks now and no diet soda.

Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of traveling.

I slept. For 7 hours. That is a goal. Sleep for at least 7 hours every night. That would help every thing else in  my life. seven hours of sleep each night.

Resist, hold back, reticence....hiding?
Is that me...so slow to address to take action or the flip side

Quick, fast, react, decide, judge
Is that me?

not sleeping

day six no pot

since surgery I have only slept three hours. so that is 3 hours in 24 since surgery. Not good. But I am wide awake. I do not know if it is a side effect of the anesthesia or the Norco that is keeping me wide awake. All I did yesterday post surgery was talk non stop from 11:30 am until 7pm

pot was helping me sleep.

but I am feeling expansive. I am feeling like I want to change my style. Stop dressing so dull. Maybe turning 60 with a new style...less fat..more muscle and more style is the way I can accept sixty.

was motor mouth yesterday w jared Cynthia and trish..feels good to connect

test one
wendy coming and she wants pot from b. I automatically said yes because I have never said no. will I smoke with wendy?

surgery friday

left hand carpal tunnel surgery today. nervous. anxious. little light headed.  day five no pot. had a good day yesterday. very tired. haven't been sleeping as well as when I smoke pot. sleeping about five hours a night.

most welcome good day

yesterday was a good day.

saw Allison for our second session. I am glad to be back in therapy. I "felt" that as I sat there. Yeah this feels right it feels good to be here...I get to talk to someone who can help me. that is a good feeling to connect.  shame can only survive in the dark, when you bring it into the light you change it. so that will be our goal. yesterday she suggested we not go back to all the sexual abuse she feels that I have examined that at great length. what a relief...what we will work on is what is left the shame and my other big fear -turning 60. which I am having hard with...60? who is that? that is not me. if it is not methen who is it and who am I...oh bother said pooh to tigger..

but I am depressed anxious scared unhappy most unhappy regretful...mid life crisis... feels more like late life...so the big bad angry girl that was tough and strong is turning sixty and I don't move as fast as I did... I have less energy and I feel myself diminishing. so where is Margaret? because that is not me. super ego has been banging away at me...really pounding me. harsh and judgmental no compassion...which keeps me contained..keeps me returning to the strategies that helped survive and gave me my identity. I have been going to practicing presence for two years.

And was the big bad angry Margaret real or just blustery to cover up her vulnerability..to not appear vulnerable..just showing the shell...was I a phony or what was valid and true or authentic about my life?
I said I was going to meditate...but really I have been going to be present in the moment and allow what is bubbling up inside to come through...not smoking pot helps me be present...eating healthy..exercising helps me feel better physically...Alison gave me another way to look at what I am experiencing.

went to the race conversations yesterday at zingtrain and it was wonderful. I had a better feeling about a2 after that. I met ppl of color who live and work in a2. for the first time since moving here I found people gathered in a room where I felt comfortable and engaged. I did not feel like an outsider. we talked about issues I care about. I was in a room where ppl allowed themselves to be vulnerable and talk about uncomfortable things...and dialogue. I am attracted to that because as child I was talked at..there was little dialogue..i had a good time..being with people who care about other people and our cultures, peoples ability to have as much in life as everybody has..maybe that s why I am comfortable there because as a child I felt I had to fight to have what others had...I understand coming out from under the oppression...I identify with that struggle of walking into a room and not feeling welcome.

day four no pot..or is it day five..i want to stay off it. I want to stay off it..that means I stay present with the pain of my past and the fear  of my future...but it could mean staying present

ended the day with a yummy dinner that I shared with crash and jump.

let cats out

wake let cats out pee boil water make coffee take meds write watch tv facebook email let cats in pet Crash  eat wash dress cry drive type make tea type call talk email  type facebook call drive eat type talk write plan talk pee email call write drive post office workout drive get mail eat cry pet Crash pet Jump watch tv pet Crash  Jump pee take meds sleep...

no wonder I am depressed

I  cry in grief every day of my life. who cries every day?
I do I cry every day of my life for as long as I can remember
I remember a bright little girl so very curious about her world...and then I started crying every day and still do
now I look in the mirror and see an old woman who's life is diminished by age and illness and disease who works because she needs meds and needs meds so she works..i miss my bohemian life...waking every day again to be curious and have hope of my world my neighborhood.
not much of a life
now I wake in a city where few know me and no one really needs or wants me for anything other than going to lunch or dinner
relief comes when I go to the theatre or to ums or to a movie or to um to see holly or larry
the best days are spent with kate carmen and sarah but they are too few...too few

yesterday donna snyder told me she was shocked that I was turning 60 she thought I was 45. lol. yesterday I spent 70 to get a haircut I hate. seems what I do in ann arbor. in bflo I moved in ann arbor I get bad haircuts. and it makes me so upset...I don't recognize me in a lousy haircut.

brussel sprouts and bacon

making my favorite breakfast. kate got a terrific job offer yesterday. proud of her diligence...hanging in there.

no pot today. all gone. the question is can I not buy it today. will I recommit to my job and get busy vs my everyday escape as of late.

who will take me to my surgery on Friday?  what will I do when I turn 60?

why am I alone? I have been alone for most of my life. am I always recreating that because that is what is familiar and I recognize it and anything is unrecognizable to me?

will I write every day? will I make the hag video? how will I celebrate my 60th bday? here or in bflo? big party or a beach house to hang out in with my friends over the summer?

day one no pot...how long will I go?

and it continues....

I have a choice. I can keep smoking pot and fucking up and loosing what life I have left, Or I can leave it. Stop buying it. Stop buying it for others. Stop hurting my lungs, my body. I have put on 10 pounds  (I am guessing) after all that hard work. I returned to the familiar. I stopped working out and my lower back pain came back. I am numb emotionally but feeling physically sick. I was lonely so very lonely after Kate left. We had a wonderful  time. Wonderful. It was a treat to have her company every day. To wake up with my daughter here was just so wonderful. And now my deepening depression and bad choices has made me loose the new me. The one who was taking pretty good care of me. Gone. Is this what I really want?