frustrated

always
at every job
I get so frustrated with co-workers
annoyed
frustrated
angry
do your job I do mine
do your job well god damn it
I do mine well
I expect the same from you
don't tell me how to do what I know how to do
 I often feel like co-workers/bosses let me down
people not doing what they are supposed to do
not fulfilling their obligations
that must be transference
my mom not being a mom
not protecting me
not doing her job
and I'm still pissed about it
I had to step up
as a child
and be an adult before I was an adult
on my own without support from brothers and sister
I do that at work
co=worker not doing it
okay I'll do it myelf
get it done
do what needs to be done
As a child I had to
figure it out
I had to
make my way
on my own
Dad was not keeping me safe from mom and bobby
so I figured out how to be safe
run away to the woods
run away to grier
escape
or fight
or lie
or do it myself

my self. all by myself. do it myself. I was thinking the other day that I was lonely as a child. Surrounded by others but feeling alone. I felt like I was in the land of the giants. No one like me little. And on the farm I didn't feel like I had any friends really. Just Beverly..when I got to 6th grade I met her and we connected. She remained my friend until she died. On Bayview and Oakridge there were other children but no one I was really close to. Same at school. I felt outside trying to get in. I still feel that often...
At Grier it was different...there I had friends. I felt connected to teachers and to my friends. I also felt outside...
At work now I feel an outsider to all the staff. Middle class, graduate degrees for all of them, but not me, all of them married, all have young or very young children, but my child is as old as they are. They are all straight and I am queer.
I look for the differences, I define myself by how I am different than the others. Not how I am the same.

11 days no pot.