Birthday tidings

WE’RE JUST REHEARSING or, Every Day a Little Breath

October 27, 2013 at 2:08pm

I wrote this for my very, very good friend & sometime director Margaret Smith on the occasion of her 60th birthday, 10.25.13

A few years ago, when I started learning more about the life and music of John Coltrane—something I recommend everyone do—I was struck by the fact that every single person who knew him brings up the fact that he was ALWAYS rehearsing, during every spare minute of his waking life (and probably much of his sleeping one, too). When I first read that, I thought it was utterly unlike my approach to art-making, which tends to come in brief spurts, separated by long naps. Naps which can last for years, sometimes.

But the older I get, the more I realize that I have been rehearsing all along, even when I didn't realize that's what I was doing. It dawned on me recently that every performance is simply a rehearsal for the next one. But every single thing I do, whether it's gardening or cleaning the house or hitting a clearance sale or seeing other artists at work, is a form of "rehearsal," too, in that it almost invariably seeds a future project, one which may not bear fruit until 10 or 20 years later, in ways I could never have foreseen. And the naps, I now realize, are just my way of letting time pass. Of “sleeping on it.”

In fact, I don't think I really was much of a performer until my friend Margaret Smith encouraged me, almost 20 years ago, to rehearse (and rehearse and rehearse) my first full-length performance, which eventually became an entire trilogy of monologues of mine she directed,collectively called “The Dark Times.” Ever since then, the more rehearsal time I've had for a project, the happier I have been with it. People who only know me as an improviser are invariably surprised to hear how much I love to rehearse (or write and refine drafts), but the only times I DON'T do it are when circumstances (usually economic) don't allow it.

I think we are ALWAYS rehearsing, all of us, all the time. We are all constantly trying things out, brainstorming, running ideas up the flagpole and seeing if anyone salutes them, throwing things up against the wall to see if anything sticks. If you look at life this way, there’s a lot less pressure; you really can’t make any mistakes, or at least there is nothing you can do that can’t be undone, because there’s always next time. Today is just a rehearsal for tomorrow.

They say “practice makes perfect,” but I don’t really think perfection is the aim of all our rehearsing. I’m not convinced that perfection is possible; at the very least I have a gut feeling that “perfect” is a state that doesn’t have anything to do with the absence of flaws or rough edges or

impurities.

Imperfections. Perfect is a state of grace, a state that, every once in a great while, we stumble upon: a moment when all the hard work disappears and suddenly everything is …

Easy,

Easy like Sunday morning. Easy like Keith Carradine seducing three different women with one song at one time in one perfect moment in the movie Nashville. Easy like how it’s so easy to talk to Margaret about … about anything, really. Art, politics, life, death, yesterday, tomorrow.

Margaret perpetually inspires me: to try something new, to make something better, to … To rehearse, for instance.

Inspire: As in, to breathe life into that which is inanimate. To animate it. To breathe. To breathe in, and breathe out.

You breathe in, you breathe out. You breathe in, you breathe out. And in this way, with this simple procedure,  life is generated and regenerated. Second after second, minute by minute, hour follows hour, day meets night and becomes day again, and before you know it, years turn into decades, and somehow, mysteriously, gloriously, our Margaret has six decades to call her own. Sixty amazing years of inspiring others, of rehearsing, of small unexpected moments of perfection and grace.

I knew that the word “inspire” came from the root “to breathe,” but I wondered about “rehearse.” All I could think was “Hearse.”Re-hearse. As in, “Here comes the hearse again.” And it turns out that IS where the word comes from! In-spiring turns into ex-piring, and sooner or later it’s time to load up the old hearse again. Bring out your dead! Your dead ideas,your deadLINES, your dead AIR, which to an unrehearsed performer in anything other than a Pinter play can be deadly. Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to BREATHE / FREE. Out with the old air, in with the new!


I have known Margaret for many years now, for – and I am bad at math, so I could be wrong about this, but I am pretty sure we have known each other for close to half our lives, or at least half of mine, which is slightly less long (so far) than hers. And during that time there have been points, one point in particular, when it seemed like there was just death everywhere we looked. One good friend, one lifelong friend after another, one gay man after another, BAM BAM BAM, just like that. It was a dark time indeed.And I hate to point this out, but something tells me it will only get darker,given that the odds are prettttttty good that every last one of us is going to quit rehearsing sooner or later. Maybe not BAM BAM BAM, but in the fullness of time.Which can be very, very full at times like this.
Is it wrong to speak of death on such a happy occasion? Have I made a faux pas in bringing up the word, the concept we don’t like to talk about ever ever ever, until it’s too late and we can’t hide from it anymore?

I think you know my answer to that jackpot question in advance. I am a big believer in etiquette, but I am also a big believer in there truly being no mistakes, in there being no bold lines separating the acceptable from the unacceptable, the speaker from the unspeakable. The happy from the sad. The living from the dead. I think most of us have reached an age by now when we know how lucky we are to still be alive at all, to still be breathing, to still be inspire-able, to still be able to rehearse.  And we know how lucky we are to know Margaret, to be inspired by her, to rehearse with her and for her and to play with her and work with her and share a part of our lives with her. We know that this moment—

--THIS one, right here, right now—

is a fleeting one. So let us make the most of it! Let us breathe in the good air and let go of all the bad things that have held us back: The fear, the self-doubt, the misgiving, the often paralyzing terror of making mistakes. In this moment, THIS moment, there are no mistakes. There is only life, and we are in it and we are of it,

and we are blessed.


—Ron Ehmke

Been a long time since I have taken the time to sit down and write. Lots has happened. I had a beautiful and regenerating birthday week home in Buffalo with all of my friends. All ... and my daughter making sure I had the best birthday ever. I felt so lucky for days. Trish and Sarah both came to Buffalo so we could celebrate together. We stayed at the Hotel Lafayette and I was thrown back through time. I time traveled. That was  my birthday. Started with a powerful croning ceremony at Cyd's that Cyd designed and manifested for me. Robbie gave me tickets to hear Hilary Clinton speak. Saw Bicth at the 9th Ward and she sang to me for my birthday. She dedicated her final song to me...a ballad cover of the Bee Gees staying alive...it was terrifically funny and poignant at the same time. Friday night back stage at Ujima.for the big bday bash. Kate made it happen...she and Erin and Amber especially made it happen so much hard work. And there were drag queens...well this is what Ron wrote...

Mom and daughter Last night I watched what I’m pretty sure were mainly {Men Who Love Men} dressed as women performing stripteases for an audience consisting mainly of {Women Who Love Women}, some of whom were dressed as men. And it was one of the most glorious, and in a slightly bizarre way, one of the most patriotic things I have ever witnessed. THIS is surely part of what Whitman had in mind when he wrote that he heard America singing. Perfect description and one that I feel good about. I have tried to life my life to that ideal. Learned from my father. I used to read Whitman to Dad, from Leaves of Grass and ask questions of the parts I didn't understand and he would explain. There was dancing and drag and singing and story telling a most perfect night. And all the food was food I could eat!!! Kastle told the story of the bears in the Adirondacks. Lorna said I was someone who supported her art, she talked about Yalla Bitch.   In A2 had a birthday celebration with friends ..I do have a posse here in A2. That was big fun and then home to Maggie. Robby Griswald and I are getting to be friends as are me and Amy and Callie. New friends! I spoke at UMHS and and I am off insulin. After 10 years? I am OFF insulin. I am still working out and eating healthy. Three years now. 40 years of journals saying the same thing. And now three years of saying something different. C H A N G E.  All of this to say it may be time for me to do my autobiography just for me well with an eye to Kate. I think I will do it electronically. Include scans and  photos.  Also saw Carolyn Gage in Lansing and had dinner with her.  Maggie and I still seeing each other and we are going away the first weekend in December for a get away weekend just the two of us. This will be the longest we have spent together. We are settling in with each other. Still laughing and a little less intense which was at first difficult for me but clearly Maggie is in a more comfortable space. She took me to Pacific Rim for dinner last week and we talked for three hours. And we are planning next year's Suds together already. And so it goes... and I have decided that turning sixty is about letting go.  That is what I did at my croning ceremony I let go or put down in the underworld where it belongs. I put down harsh with myself, and picked up compassion. I put down attachment and picked up connection. I put down bulk and my bear and kept the bear's wisdom but with my health I no longer need the bulk I need my health which is now my protection. I put down shame, and other things that I cannot remember...insert smile here.

Much

The last writing was at a height I had not reached in many years. And now I have had quite a ride that I need to sort through.

Work is stressful. Unfortunately not a place I am attracted to ... I have been avoiding it. Started two new projects.
Seeing Maggie but not happy with the situation.
Had lost 6 pounds .. but eating poorly and eating too much since Saturday now Monday. Have not worked out for two days.
Today Monday and I do not want to go to work.
Cats  are good no matter what is happening they are constant comfort.
Speaking in two weeks at WDD at UMHS

Had an wonderful birthday celebration in Buffalo. All the way perfect. A croning ceremony at Cyd's that was just what I wanted and needed. It was very special. I gave Kate my silver bear. I got that bear at Michigan and I have worn it for almost 20 years...

Robbie gave me a ticket to hear Hillary Clinton speak at UB. That was so exciting. Then bitch at Ninth Ward. She sang "Stayin Alive" to me for my birthday. Ha ha!  Trish and Sarah and Carmen and me at Hotel Lafayette. That was some kind of perfect. Dad felt very close. Then this perfect bday party at TheaterLoft. Kate and Erin gave me the best bday party ever. Full of memories for ever close. Zoe sang for me. People told stories.. Beautiful drag queens and handsome butches. This is what Ron wrote....Last night I watched what I’m pretty sure were mainly {Men Who Love Men} dressed as women performing stripteases for an audience consisting mainly of {Women Who Love Women}, some of whom were dressed as men. And it was one of the most glorious, and in a slightly bizarre way, one of the most patriotic things I have ever witnessed. THIS is surely part of what Whitman had in mind when he wrote that he heard America singing.

 

I agree. The fantasy room of my youth. A room full of different. No two the same. A room so familiar and so far away from my current neighborhood of university lesbians. Only a few dykes. I prefer hangin with dykes.  Will send thank you notes to my buffalo possey. It was a great time for me that I was very present for. Trish and Sarah and Kate and Erin and Terence and Carmen were so wonderful, and made me feel very loved.

 

Then I came home to Ann Arbor and it was all good here too. Work was good. Maggie has been present at a minimum level of involvement. Very unsatisfying to me..she is giving her minimum some sort of protective action on her part..no longer romantic.. Makes me sad and afraid. Familiar and unhealthy negative feelings of self. Definite ptsd trigger...

 

Friday was a birthday party cocktail hour in Ann Arbor with my A2 queers. It was a blast. Everybody came. We went to the BAR. It was very much like an old Buffalo bar. Couldn't believe it. Reminded me of schuper house. I seem to have created a mini lesbian colony for myself full of working class and creative dykes. At last..

 

So now how do I move forward into my sixties. Seems odd to be this old. .and alone. I still feel alone and spend too much time by myself. That I would like to change or somehow become more comfortable with. Might help me let go of Maggie. I'm afraid of being alone.

 

 

what I am looking for

when I was a little girl I loved being outside .. the majority of my time was spent out of doors by myself moving among the trees and around the creek...and I loved it..i am there again..i am outside again drinking in the trees and blue sky and bark and earth and sun and air... yesterday was a kind of perfect day..i left work early and spent the afternoon with myself making the perfect pot of hot and sour soup...then Maggie came and got meme and my "picnic bag" and we left for our Friday night date..the drive out to the river was relaxing and sweet and we sat by the river last night just the two of us listening to and watching the water move over the rocks. It was peaceful and rejuvenating. and it was enough just as the moment was...watching the sun set, listening to the sound of the water and just being present for each other....and I have found home in Maggie...so much of being with her reminds me of home

Bringing my femme back

It started with beaded bracelets. Well it started with Maggie and her first kiss. A tender memory maker kiss, warm and welcoming. I painted my toenails red, then I started buying bracelets,  rings, earrings, showering twice a day, putting on make-up, buying red lipstick, black lace slips, and black lace thigh highs. I wear makeup and shave my legs. I dress up for work. I bought Emma Rees book The Vagina. I like it. I like it all. I act and feel different. Rediscover and remember what I had not forgotten. Liz is in the house.

I feel like a lesbian again. I feel visible again. Her presence in my life makes that happen. I get to walk and talk with a girlfriend in my circle of experience and we are sexual partners and people know it and I get to experience that visibility. That was lost to me that sense of belonging to something larger than yourself..and I have missed it.

And I keep writing about it...it is a metamorphosis in a way so I am focused on observing the visual cues.

She has a sexual prowess I had not expected. That too is causing change. We talked...she makes it easy to talk about things as she is accepting and understanding...although she mostly listens and when she talks it is with few words but weighty ones...we talked about this and how I am not used to my partner having the upper hand sexually ..that is who I am in my relationships...And she just looked at me and said so deliberately..."really because that has always been mine." Now I am looking for a comfort level .. looking for acceptance of self in this dance ...

making the most of a scar

I have at long last found an image I was looking for. I have wanted a tattoo over my mastectomy and I could not quite find what I was imagining...some days I wanted a branch and other days I wanted a bird's wing. Then I found this image. A branch that is a wing. So I am going to use just the wing from this image, starting with the root at the center of my chest or beginning of my scar and then branching over and out up over my shoulder. I want Pat to do it but she is so far away in Woodstock NY.  I would rather she do it because she was the artist for the two tattoos I do have..so the money saving begins.....

...Maggie and I continue to spend time together, and encourage each other into one another's hearts and places of trust. She is happy - as am I. We are creating a shared energy between us that is affirming for both. She is trusting us more, trusting me and allowing me to be a part of her life. I feel more connected to myself as a lesbian .. all the years here in A2 disconnected from lesbian community or life...odd girl out at work...moving in the shadows in many ways  .. now with Maggie I feel mirrored again and it is a very good thing. I have my queer identity back.  Interesting to me how a person stands with others and in that finds validation and belonging. I am particularly moved by the fact that in two weeks I will have Kate and Erin and Maggie all together and working with me on Suds and then spending time together over the weekend...this will be the first work event where I have family with me...and I will not be the odd girl out. That makes me happy. And it has to be that I am being seen with my tribe - with the people who love me and are important to me and I matter to them. That feels very good. When I left Buffalo ten years ago I lost that and had to travel back home to experience it....now it feels I will have that here because of Maggie giving me a sense of belonging that I did not have....life is better with Maggie.

And I am excited by how she is excited by me physically. I am reclaiming my fem side another lost part of myself now coming back. I am buying bracelets and adorning myself with brightly colored beaded bracelets, shaving my legs, painting my toes red, and on occasion wearing make up. And she loves it...it excites her....but she is clear, she said 'do it because you want to'..it never occurred to her to ask me....she said to me' I embrace all that you are just as you are..do not make changes for me.'  But my efforts are not changes for her but are expressions of my self....authentic and sensual...and they please me ...

doc visit

Saw my doc Tuesday. Did not loose any weight. Very disappointing considering I am really back to working out. I feel good about being back up to 90% on my strength training and back up to 30 mins in the pool swimming laps.  But I weigh the same. Bummer. Dammit. I have been the same weight for a long time now just floating above 200 lbs. I really want to get below 200 before my bday at the end of October. So I am writing everything down in my food diary and exercising 6 days a week. Wyckoff is thinking that my lack of sleep is hurting my weight loss so she talked to me at length about  sleep hygiene and using melatonin. Also lowered my insulin. Putting me on a pill and hoping get me off insulin that also might be the reason I am just maintaining.

I will buckle down and put more effort to make it happen. Won't be discouraged. won't sabotage myself with bad behaviors or bad choices. I have not smoked pot since July 5. That is a terrific achievement and I feel good about it. I have also finally started planning my upcoming bday party at home in Buffalo. I am taking a week off in October and going home to celebrate with family and friends. Do not know if Maggie will come or not. Hope she does. But I have my doubts. That aside I talked to Cyd yesterday about a crone ceremony, and although Kate has been trying to find me a space I reached out to Rawah and she is helping me too. Fun part is that Sarah and Trish and I are staying in a suite at the Hotel Lafayette. I have so many fond happy memories of that place from when I was a little girl. My dad had union contract negotiations there. I would tag along, one of the many things I did with my dad, and I knew every inch of that hotel...so I return for my 60th. I am still struggling with turning 60...but working through it...and trying to accept it with grace and compassion.

body work

From Sara Sienberg

For years it has been a source of great pain for me to witness so many gorgeous women struggle through the shame and loathing of their bodies at the hands of a misogynist culture, including myself. It has not been a linear process or something to "get through", but rather a consistent and powerful practice of love, forgiveness, and gratitude that come each day, often several times a day. And some ...days are kind of a wash, frankly. And so this weekend I am thinking of all of us, who have been haunted by the spectre of self-loathing, no matter our shape, size, ability, appearance or gender. Here's to our bodies, the places where we have a chance to live, to sip really nice decaf coffee and stare at beaches, where we skateboard or lounge, where we learn to move our wheelchairs or become acquainted with Braille. These are the bodies that let us dance, kiss, laugh and dream in. We live here. We get sick here. We heal and sometimes we die, having the opportunity to stand with our friends as we pass to whatever happens next, the big Transformation. And so today, I'll do my best to love it here, all hips and frizzy hair, with the freedom to run my ungainly gait and wrap my arms around my beloved, type out messages to you with my healthy nimble fingers and fucked up shoulders. My body has given me this opportunity to live a bold life of adventure and wild mistakes landing me in today. Saturday. August 17, 2013.
 

She is right. And this is the most important work I can do for myself now. It is the next step in my healing journey.

difficult to know

How do I recognize myself at this time in my life when so much change is happening?  I had a girlfriend then I thought no I don't but in fact yes I do.

I am not so familiar with this person who is trying to make a relationship work. I am not completely unfamiliar with myself and in some ways I have more knowledge of who I am and what I want than I ever have (cue years of therapy) ...but I have never been in a relationship allowing myself to be vulnerable and present. Presence equals vulnerability.

So now Maggie is back, has been for about a week now.  There have been many heart to heart discussions. Difficult for both of us. The reward for me was our mutual willingness to tolerate the difficult to get through to an understanding of each others needs and desires. She has confessed depression, which can come and go with degrees of severity. She was absent and uncommunicative because she had a serious bout that came on her without warning Like many with depression she is judging herself morally and in a harsh tone. She feels she should be able to just get over it. She has agreed to try therapy again.  I was clear about needing her to make every effort to get in therapy and begin to address her depression beyond what she is doing now. She agreed. She also asked if I would be able to give her space when she needed it. And I said yes, as long at the outset there was clear communication that that what was going on. She has to keep me informed. She has to let me share in that. She agreed that in time she would-she has never done that with anyone-she sees it as a burden so she retreats and deals alone and then comes back or doesn't. She came back -as hard as it was-and as difficult as it was she came back.

So we are trying and the lessons will come in the trying. I am seeing Susie (my old therapist) this Saturday to address my attraction to people who are not available. How permanent is my ptsd? How doomed am I?  I am preparing some notes for my meeting with Susie and look forward to the discussion and insights I hope to gain.

Maggie is back Saturday night and we see each other on Sunday. I gave her a little turtle, about the size of a button, to carry with her. I told her you are like a turtle...all protected with your shell. But notice this turtle..her head is out she is not hiding.

manifest

Creation begins in spirit, and then becomes manifest in the physical. Change is seeded first in awareness and then drops into reality through behavior...when the conditions for growth have been provided.-tree sisters

There has been a reversal of romance. But the lessons came in the trying..and there were many. Maggie has done a reversal. She has backed away, you could say abandoned me. First it was she was tired,  then sick, then exhausted,and now depressed. She stopped communicating. I still believe her intentions were good and she was trying. I just don't think she is capable of the intimacy she claimed that she was. She tried. And I still hold great admiration for her. She admits to flaws and she is being as good a person as she can be.

She stopped communicating without any explanation. I was left to imagine what was wrong. One minute she was there fully committed, caring deeply, and then cancelling dates and then nothing at all. She took away her attention, her emotional support and physical contact. She finally emailed that it wasn't me, she was depressed, and when she is depressed she withdraws. She apologized. And do not believe she will come back. I do not believe she is confident enough to try again or I would take her back.
 

When she first withdrew I had a really hard time, my ptsd kicked in. I had a full blown ptsd anxiety attack that lasted quite awhile, and had to call Sarah to calm  myself down. I am hurt. Trish and Sarah both gave me support. I did not smoke pot. I did eat a little too much and put on some pounds. But I did not binge or eat food that was not healthy-I did not buy a bag of chips and eat it. I rode the wave of my feelings and survived them. Nothing bad happened. I cried a lot. I panicked. I cried some more. I felt the fool for thinking this was going to be a good thing in my life. I felt ashamed that I allowed her into my bed. I felt stupid and embarrassed for telling people I had a girlfriend. I gave her her space and was supportive of her. But after several days and hours of examining what happened I have learned some things.

I had believed she was available. I lied to myself about that. I do that. I know we all do but I certainly did here. I saw her admissions and her efforts as equal to being present and available. I was wrong.

She is not available. That is what is attractive.
For two years I have had a crush on Maggie. And I have shown up mornings with a cup of coffee.Once a week sometimes. Twice a month at least. Listening to her. Supporting her through her break up and her daughter's illness. Building a friendship. So that when she called and asked me out I was thrilled and all too eager to believe what she was saying.

I took her intentions as reality.
Change is seeded first in awareness and then drops into reality through behavior...when the conditions for growth have been provided.- I thought because of her words what she was expressing-the willingness to get her life back, to try and be more communicative that those intentions would become reality. I believed I was providing conditions

I did the emotional heavy lifting. I always do.
That is me trying to make my mom like herself so she will like me. If I could just help someone understand themselves then they would be more accepting of themselves, be happier and then more accepting of others. I was expressive, kind, honest, vulnerable, understanding and unconditional. I am those things, but I also do those things on cue sometimes to get approval. That is me doing the heavy emotional lifting in most relationships so people will like me. All my intimate relationships.

Left without explnantion
My sister Betty, I am told, acted as my mother for the first five years of my life. At 18 Betty got pregnant, married in a hurry and left the family home.  There is a legendary story about me that on the morning of her wedding everyone dressed and ready to get to the church I sat down on the couch and flatly refused to go.

These are just some of the thoughts I have been having. All of this has sent me to go back and see Susie my therapist and do a check in.

new views

It is of note that I am learning a new internal narrative. I am changing my story.

Now I speak of my past with compassion for myself and I speak of my vulnerability. You could not have told me that 30 or even 20 years ago that my activism work was from the position of victim but it was. It did take a kind of strength to do what I did and I was following my father's life .. make life better for others, do work that benefits more than just yourself .. so ERA or Sexual Victims rights or women's rights and then queer rights and lesbian visibility. My external world saw me as strong so I could believe I was. But it takes a different kind of strength and bravery to do what I am doing now. The previous work of my life was external and yes it did help me and inform me and even heal me. But the work I have done for the last ten years has been internal for myself. The work with Susie (emdr therapist), the group work at Gilda's club after the mastectomy, workshops on my compulsive eating, my meditation class, working out at the gym not being sedentary but getting in motion and even my current job have brought me a new story...and my relationship with Maggie is only possible because of all that work.

When I told Maggie about the ptsd and the causes I did not feel like a victim, I felt like that vessel with cracks from trauma, and the cracks have been aggrandized with gold and I am more beautiful because of those traumas. Not less. I had seen myself as damaged, no good, not ever going to be good enough. Grieving for what could have been, had the abuse not happened to me. I believed I would never change..I would also suffer from depression always have to deal with triggers. That my thoughts would always be wired via ptsd...

Previous relationships whether men or women were dominated by sex. That is what felt good ...and no doubt I was. I have a closet full of compliments from every lover. Sex is powerful, because one must be present to enjoy it and to pleasure others...and it is very grounding. So the fringe benefits were good for me.

This new relationship started with integrity and it was a friendship built on trust and honesty. That gives a strong foundation to our future..whatever it may be. At the start it was very empowering for me to delay the sex, and focus on getting to know Maggie, to learn more about her, well us with other, as she was doing the same. We were vulnerable with one another emotionally through our stories before we got naked and had sex. That was a very good experience for me. And with confidence I know there are more good experiences between us to come...

My job is to stay grounded. As my dad once told me....your head can be in the clouds but keep your feet on the ground. Such a wise man. I am thinking I am a tree and the clouds that I reach for are her. I will continue to be vulnerable. There I will find love, compassion and understanding. This is my story, my new view and the source of my strength.

recommit

I have been going to the gym. I am again building up that momentum. Swimming and weight training. I really missed both which I hope means that I have made physical activity a permanent habit in my life. I have been working my way through my weight training routine and I am doing about 35-40 minutes. Swimming is at about 25 minutes, hoping today I can do 30 mins. I keep following diana nyad's blog who is getting back in the water to attempt her cuba swim again, and is 61 now. She inspires me. Saw the doc last week and I have lost 4 pounds. less fuel more movement is the key for me. sugar levels are good. I have been eating much less meat and have pretty much cut out gluten. so now no dairy and no gluten. this keeps my choices nearer to fruits and veggies. feels great. also I have been staying away from pot which feels very good. also turned of cable just doing the Netflix hulu and listening to more npr. this keeps me more active and less sedentary at home. also a good thing...

also being with Maggie feels very good. we continue to get to know one another. we have begun an intimate physical relationship. this relationship is diff on many levels. we are equals. we are both available. open hearts. I was nervous about her seeing my mastectomy but in the end it did not matter. she is a gentle and intuitive lover....tender....much laughter too.

and so I go forward with my life.

surprise and delight

Last night was my 4th date with Maggie and it was an amazing experience. First in the hearth of her home-the kitchen-we sat across from one another at her kitchen table and talked.  We played with the dogs who seemed to encourage our dialogue and urge us to keep on doing what we were doing. We were able to be present for each other and communicate easily about fears and desires and dreams. I at times felt like I was a teenager back at Grier talking to a best friend after lights out and I was vulnerable and charged and at times I felt old and wise and calm and grounded. I was able to speak of all the "gold" in my cracks and what I have now as beauty and what I can give her because of those experiences. We continue to peel off our layers slowly, giving each other permission with every exposure to allow the look and accept the compassion and understanding. At dark, we moved outside to enjoy the cooler air, not cool because the heat here is still great but the temp had dropped considerably and a storm was moving in. We seemed drawn to the excitement of the storm which was matching the excitement between us and we simply stayed present with it and let it swirl around us. The dialogue continued as we watched the sky light up with lightning. I was solid and I was present. I explained my PTSD and its origins..but not as a victim explaining her pain but rather as a frank discussion about my response to it and how I manage it now. Her first question was "what can I do to help?"-- maybe the best response anyone could give someone. She is a good person. She told me that I make her happy, she is attracted to me,  and is not nervous but excited about what she will learn as we move forward into this vulnerable exchange of what can only be said is love.  Took the storm about an hour and half to move in and let loose with water. I left just as it was starting to pour. I was delighted with the entire evening and am excited ... and now less afraid.

myth and mirth

she was the idea of beauty in my household. if an Elizabeth Taylor movie was on TV we all watched it together. we couldn't get through dinner without a fight but we agreed on liz. she was adored by my father and mother. especially my father and he spoke of her as if he knew her personally as he had met her one night by chance at madison square garden. one of the big boxing fight nights. Ms. Taylor came down the aisle with her mother looking for their seats. Liz looked lost. So my dad popped up and went to her aide and rescue. dad got her and her mom safely to their seats.

she was the ideal of beauty that I aspired to. I had the dark curly hair. and the its. she was an aggressive sexy. she was an unbelievably beautiful woman who was empowered by it.....and importantly she was never a victim. as she aged she showed herself for who she was in the present without looking back.  she was known in my household for her friendship with Montgomery Cliff. my dad often told the story of the night of the famous tragic car accident. How liz was the one to find him right after the accident, get him to the hospital and she stood by him through it all. best friends to each. and later I realized fag and fag hag. copy that. I loved liz as much as any drag queen ever did.

I even had her children's book Nibbles and me.  i followed her from that book through all of her life, a loyal fan. during the aids crisis she showed courage and gave leadership early on when others failed us and let us down.. she rallied folks to the cause with understanding and compassion. i loved her even more.
insanely i wanted nothing more than to be as beautiful as she was.
i failed...for a while i felt bad that i failed at it. now it is something that makes me smile. it was an ideal impossible to achieve, i should have been aspiring to my own beauty as myself whatever that looked like it... better to aspire to be  myself...i get it now.

Then today i found this. "An arrangement made with God, my mother, and Louis B. Mayer made me this person, this product, you know as Elizabeth Taylor. I showed up. I took light and directions and lots and lots of notes. I'm proud of the work. But what I most care about--always cared about--was being a good friend, a helpful person--and I'm happiest when someone tells me that I did that, that I became that person. The rest is fate, beshert, dumb luck. But the good person? I worked hard at that." -- Elizabeth Taylor/Interview with James Grissom/From "The Complete Divinity."

me too liz. me too. happiest when a friend tells me i was helpful.  i learned it from my father. he was a good friend to many people. he treated folks with respect and took care of his friends, would do anything for a friend. I can still hear him say, "I got it .."  because he always picked up the check. always. i heard from many people over the years what a great friend he was. at grier i perfected the art of friendship i was so lonely when i arrived as a freshman. having finally escaped my ever increasing hostile environment at home....i was suddenly free to be myself and it was liberating... i soon learned the importance and meaning of friendship ..i am 12 years old and away from home for the first time..i know no one. i don't recognize any thing or any one in my surroundings. and i am so scared i consider running home to my mother. but i stay for four years because of the friendships i made there, i learned that i could feel safe in a new environment by making friends.. may i be remembered as a good friend..my friends to keep me going...wonderful friends and many memories that make me laugh and cry...it makes me happy to think of my friendships with trish..sarah, chuck, murphy, Beverly, Robbie, Cynthia, ron, tee, leslie.....

and i agree liz the rest is fate, luck, dumb luck. but the good person? the good friend? I too worked hard at that. I too work hard at that and my prayer is i always find the strength to continue to work at being a good person.

self care

 So today I am struggling. ptsd in full force today.  I am trying to remain calm. Complicating things was a trip to the dentist, always very nerve wracking for me. This I found when on line today. I love this author and enjoy her blog. And although I know that this is good practice esp today..I still just want to smoke pot, or get a cocktail with Jared, not work out and sabotage all my hard and good work these last two weeks. Dammit.

the dozen daily delights, a post from nicola griffith's blog

After my posts yesterday about wine and chocolate plus pondering the end of the world, I've decided to list the twelve daily deeds of delight for health and happiness. Each must be performed every single day. Each must be done without hurry, without thinking about what comes next.

• drink tea (I like hot Irish breakfast with a spash of 2% aka semi-skimmed milk, but some strange people prefer it cold, with ice in it, and I'm okay with that, as long as the tea is freshly brewed and not some vile packet thing)
• eat chocolate (I mean chocolate not brown 'candy', and I most definitely do not, notnotnot, mean Hershey's; may be combined with drinking tea)
• drink wine (may substitute beer)
• eat a piece of fruit (I mean fruit, a whole something you could pick from a tree or vine: an apple, a nectarine, a pear; not juice; not sorbet; not a disgusting frozen pie; a plump ripe luscious piece of mouth-watering fruit grown without herbicides or pesticides)
• eat fresh vegetables (I mean a brightly coloured, vitamin-stuffed vegetable, not starch, not french fries or creamed corn or frozen peas, but some still-glistening with the dew courgette, lightly sauted in olive oil; roasted butternut squash; steamed cabbage tossed in Danish butter and freshly-ground white pepper. Vegetables.)
• have a conversation (I don't mean an information exchange about who's cooking dinner tonight; I don't mean a shouting match or politely modulated torment about politics; I don't mean an angsty confession about childhoold trauma, or a monologue about javascript; I mean a relaxed, lively, back-and-forth exploration of what gives each of you joy; maybe combined with eating vegetables and drinking wine)
• have sex (why would you do Kegel's exercises when orgasm is the best way to exercise your pelvic floor? why would you do step-exercises when you can use all major muscle groups and get a good cardiovascular exercise with thrills? why do couples therapy when you can bond the old-fashioned way?)
• get out in the fresh air (walking from the office to the car doesn't count; I'm talking about the park, the beach, the city at one o'clock in the morning: breathe deep of cool, living air)
• do nothing, think nothing, say nothing for at least 5 minutes (it gets easier with practise; beginners should start in the bath)
• look at something with attention--a bird or a beetle, the back of your hand or a glass of water, a shoe or a pencil--until you see something new (newness is all around us; trust me, this one puts a sparkle around your day for hours, and it's a must for beginning artists)
• read a novel (may substitute a good poem or two, or a play or script, but not non-fiction)
• enjoy a glass of cool water and feel very, very lucky

A bad day is when I do fewer than seven things on this list. A good day is nine or more. A brilliant day--which I'm planning for tomorrow--is every single thing on the list (some more than once) plus a few extra.

how I respond

My thoughts control my feelings. My thoughts create my feelings. I was nervous. I was uncomfortable. It was difficult to relax. I kept interrupting my interior negative thoughts with positive ones, and I kept interrupting escape with presence. It was difficult. Old patterns wanted to take over. And in the end I am not sure I pulled it off. And now ..awaking on the next day I am not sure how to control my response. I feel defeated. I don't know what to think. I am not sure how to read the situation. My thoughts this morning are more negative. This is not going anywhere, I spoke too soon, I spoke too much. I didn't ask enough about her, there were too many pregnant pauses, I am not attractive, I am too old, and I do not deserve this good happiness, I am not worthy so push it away now and get a grip, go back to solitude....she is disinterested. I keep talking to myself about no matter what stay on your track..find your happiness with yourself, stop worrying about other, you can keep these good feelings..and so it goes.

Vulnerability

 The vulnerability paradox: It's the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I want you to see in me. Trying to remember to show up and be seen today! Brene Brown

 I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Maybe because I am exploring the idea of an intimate relationship with someone for the first time in many years. Or maybe because of my work with Alison including the meditation I am more aware of my own vulnerability. Yesterday when talking to Trish I said something about my "sexual history" and then corrected myself  with "I mean.. my dating history" I may have been correct the first time. They were sexual relationships first that then moved to intimate relationships and for good reason. I have also noticed that three dates in with Maggie and I have not shred my PTSD history with her, and usually the stories that created the PTSD are shared early..but I haven't shared them. Maybe because I no longer identify as that person anymore, or at least not as my primary identity. Susie (past therapist) used to tell me that our work would be about rewiring my brain. Maybe I have accomplished that .. 

Today what I know is I want my 60's to be my best decade yet! And whatever I have to do in the way of change and vulnerability to do that ..I am willing to do it. And I am committed to me. Must be feeling brave today to make such big statements...

Oliver Sacks is 80

Excerpt from the Sunday Times.....My father, who lived to 94, often said that the 80s had been one of the most enjoyable decades of his life. He felt, as I begin to feel, not a shrinking but an enlargement of mental life and perspective. One has had a long experience of life, not only one’s own life, but others’, too. One has seen triumphs and tragedies, booms and busts, revolutions and wars, great achievements and deep ambiguities, too. One has seen grand theories rise, only to be toppled by stubborn facts. One is more conscious of transience and, perhaps, of beauty. At 80, one can take a long view and have a vivid, lived sense of history not possible at an earlier age. I can imagine, feel in my bones, what a century is like, which I could not do when I was 40 or 60. I do not think of old age as an ever grimmer time that one must somehow endure and make the best of, but as a time of leisure and freedom, freed from the factitious urgencies of earlier days, free to explore whatever I wish, and to bind the thoughts and feelings of a lifetime together.

I am looking forward to being 80.

    
Oliver Sacks is a professor of neurology at the N.Y.U. School of Medicine and the author, most recently, of “Hallucinations.”

 

feel the music again

I started flirting with her two years ago. We got along immediately. At first I didn't know she had a partner.  I took a lot of people to her restaurant and she and I became friends. I gave her support during a recent crisis, and she accepted it. She has moved on from her break up. Now. She is an adult and she is available, and making her self open to me.

Mutual interest and curiosity all along which led us to already knowing a lot about each other.  We know each other's kids. We've all met. First date was Weds, second date was Fri. next one will be soon enough and  I am sure of that. Café Habana that Sarah and I went to in Royal Oak. It was a favorite place to go to for a long time and so most likely our paths have crossed before there at Café Habana that was her restaurant....her menu ..

All of a sudden music turns me on...that feel good feeling from music had left my body for a while. And when I did experience it, music felt duller. Earlier today I was listening to Aaron Neville sing Tell It Like It Is and I got excited and wanted to see Maggie. I was surprised at how powerful the feelings were.

I did see Maggie, saw her earlier tonight for quite a while. It was wonderfully fun. I was a little nervous. But I told no lies and I was present. It felt somewhat unfamiliar but it was good despite some discomfort. There are many parallels in our separately lived lives. And differences. She can do woodwork, minor plumbing, electrical etc. I do not do any of that. She is a neat freak. We both like a clean house. She has two dogs and I have two cats.

Same name. Honest we have the same name. Independent at an early age.  We both learned getting it done. And then the next getting it done. We just kept pluggin away. Married and Divorced from men. We both have daughters, and each of us  has a gay daughter. Hard Worker. Working class. Funny. Smart. Workaholics both but right now she wants to cut back at work, and get back her life. Sounded like in about two weeks she was going to take some time off from work. I am in a similar frame of mind or life space right now. Less is more.

I am attracted to her, we are attracted to each other. Our daughters all know we are dating. I can easily picture her with my friends in Buffalo.

Sat at a chef's table tonight with Maggie, so very nice, exactly like Kate would have .. it is not lost on me that I am dating someone who is a chef.

I would like to see her again and I hope that happens soon. I am already dedicating brain space to think about her throughout the day.

So after two years of going to see her at dawn and every time bring her her hot coffee from Zingerman's her favorite, which I started out doing weekly, then recently my morning visits dwindled down to once a month. I think that got her attention. My absence. If she wanted to see me she was going to have to ask, and she did.

This feels different than other relationships I have had.

Dropped my age on her...she didn't blink .

turning sixty

had a very good discussion with Alison yesterday. i was present during my session, a plus in value as these sessions go. let me see if i can reconstruct it here. we talked about K and her desire to throw me a party and why she is so invested in being in charge of that. Instead of saying to me okay mom I want to throw u a party what do you want? she tells me -being a lil bit of a bully- that she is throwing me a party-and she has it all worked out. I am resistant and i just figured out why-she wants to revisit the past and that is too painful for me. but i haven't told her that-i just tell her no because i haven't decided what i want-but i am definitely against the idea of her being in charge of it.

as age 59 comes to an end and 60 looms closer- it feels like many doors and windows are closing. as i look back over my life i see that i spent many years working on the collective - activism for others which was also for me but was about the collective group benefits-women's rights victim rights gay rights etc...i was busy ignoring my own future needs for security .. then at 50 i started a healing journey of self when i left bflo. and my bohemian life style. a job with benefits that could help me address my health issues-and then the cancer battle for so many years-and then reversing the obesity and diabetes.

i fear K wants to go back and recreate what was the best part of my life with her party for me-and it would be too painful-there is a real loss there for me and it would be too painful to go back-because one cannot go back-

and i am missing the value here by not letting go of all that- by constantly looking back and remembering that which is gone-and because the value in my current life does not resemble what i am familiar with i don't see it. in fact -worse- i don't see any value now in my life -i don't recognize my own worth in my life as it exists now.

in the past my search for others illuminating myself back to me and actually getting that made me believe that was the only way i could see my value my soul or illumination-was from the larger group and literally their  applause and admiration. now alone here in my life the illumination is not reflected back-i have to see and fell what is there on my own...

Sat mornings and history

Saturday mornings are difficult. The beginning chapter to two whole days to myself with no distraction and the challenge of that for me. I have spent many weekends alone. Only thing worse is Sunday evening when you start dreading going back to work.  Not being very present and definitely isolating and lonely. Socialization is not what it should be for me. My work provides a social circle. My weekends make my solitude more obvious to me.

But this weekend is special for two reasons. It's the queer day of independence, and it was a riot witnessed by my ex Leslie.

 She was across the street sitting on the stonewall when the riot busted out. Her butch New Jersey self just watching when this beautiful blond woman runs out and across the street trying to not get hurt or arrested. That is when they met...shared a cigarette...and then Leslie took Dody to her parent's home in New Jersey, snuck her upstairs to her bed/bedroom where they spent the next three days together...can you imagine meeting at stonewall... two lesbians who become a love story.

And the Supreme Court ruled DOMA illegal and reversed Prop 8. Federal protection starting to kick in for some of us. Not all but some..."small axes big trees" Lynn Breedlove.

I am trying to think of my first gay icon. Judy. As in my favorite television star. I watched her show every week and then I saw her as Dorothy on a special television airing of The Wizard of Oz once a year...that I never missed...ever. And then I started looking for her movies on the Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. I watched all the movies more than I watched network t.v. unless it was a variety show ..I loved variety shows, especially the song and dance sequences. I was a sucker for the musicals and movies on t.v.

First gay restaurant I went to had an all pink interior with giant framed posters of movie stars wearing only mink coats. Judy was one of those posters. I loved going to that restaurant. I didn't hate the color pink yet, and I loved its over the top style...nice patio too. Ate there often with Sarah, took Kate for fish frys on Fridays, James, Tom Lewis and Kastle and I think Carole and Murphy too. I loved it there.

more difficult

The older I get the more difficult life becomes for me. The loss of my youthful naiveté, the Teflon that provides is now gone with age, trauma and experience. Another reason... More dissatisfaction with the results of my life to this point? Fear of illness as I age is another...

That was how I felt yesterday morning. Then I read this article and it lifted me up....Feminists We Love

I identified with much of what she talked about. My father taught me to trust the story, above all else. And I feel most comfortable in a room where most of the people do not resemble each other. I hustled for most of my life....and I am always the loudest laugh in the room. These are all good things. Amazing how reading can lift you up. Words on a page created by someone else that can give you a sense of self on a day when it was lost.

flat

My life feels flat. I get out of bed because I wake up and because I have to go to work so I can pay the bills like the car note and insurance so I can go to sleep and rest and then wake up and drive to work. I have had the urge to chuck it all but know that I cannot. Work is okay but I feel no real excitement in my tasks from day to day and the goals are easily reached. I feel an outsider there. Everyone is het and married with young children. I'm about to turn sixty, and am gay with a grown daughter who lives in another state. I have made it back to the gym after a long absence post surgery. I have been swimming and if I can keep that going I know the endorphins will kick in and I will feel elevated naturally. I was surprised at how stiff and knotted my muscles were and when I wake in the morning I can feel that work out pain but that is a good thing.  I'm in a funk for sure. I hate the hot humid weather. Difficult to sleep even with the fan. I know that my thoughts give me my feelings, that my perspective, my outlook makes all the difference. Personal projects sit unattended to. I fantasize my funeral and being released from my own misery. I get through the work day get in a swim, come home make dinner and collapse and have no energy for anything else. I can barely get my errands and weekend chores done without feeling wiped out and exhausted....

keep on plugging away ... keep working out get those good feelings back...

insecure

 

 

"It is a sign of great inner insecurity to be hostile to the unfamiliar." --Anais Nin, seen here in 1970, photographed by Barnabas Bosshart.                                   

I recognize this in me and it is true.

here now

Day #3
One Day at a Time
Forget yesterday. Good or bad, it's over. If it's worth examining, put in that energy. Don't make those same mistakes again. But then forget it.

Imagine the future. Get inspired. Then tuck that vision away. The highest high is to embrace this day, this hour, this moment. That's what yoga, meditation, the game of chess, sports, dancing, deep love are all about. HERE and NOW. HERE on this magical planet. HERE in this cozy home. NOW at this stage of your life. NOW on this day of your happy existence.

You can't live yesterday again. You can't live tomorrow yet.

Live today. HERE and NOW.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

~ Diana

squash the chatter

6/14/13

I signed up to get these 7 days of  pick me ups. I am encouraged by Diana because she just doesn't give up and I need that.  She is sixty 3 now I think, and I will be sixty in October, so she reminds me that age is no deterrent to achievement. This journey to wellness is as tough in some ways as her journey to swim that dam channel.  I just cannot give up, that is my path..to not give up. She inspires me. Not to mention she is hot as hell..

Day #1

Squash the Chatter
When we're tired, when we're low, when our confidence is wavering, the negative chatter starts buzzing in our brains. We've got to remember it's only us, each of us alone, who's keeping us back. It's the Eleanor Roosevelt quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "Tell your inner voice to stop it. Stop the monkey chatter. Even if you don't have the energy or will at a down time to get yourself all the way up, at the very least quiet your inner negative voice. Shhh. Until tomorrow, "Onward!"
~ Diana


Day #2

Dare to Dream Big.

Often teachers of upper echelon teenage students say that the kids have been taught to make low, uninspired goals. It's become so crucial to them to succeed, to be stars, that they choose mediocre goals they can easily trump than take the risk at failing at an inspired dream.

Sure, we have to make a living. We have to muck along, to a degree, just to live in this real world. But when it comes to our creativity, our life blood, that's not time to shoot low. Shoot for the starts. Even if you come darn close, you'll feel ALIVE.

Don't choose mediocre dreams. They're not worthy of you.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

~ Diana
Day #4

Be Bold.

Don't be afraid. Fear is part and parcel of the human condition. None of us gets through this life without fear. But we have a choice, day to day. It's fairy tale time to think any one of us can live a totally fearless existence. But we can tackle our careers, our relationships, our personal dreams with brave, bold attitude.

If you stand tall, feel your grit, stride forward with strength, you feel yourself rise and chances are high you will triumph.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

Day #5

No Regrets.

You may not win at everything you try. Matter of fact, you will never win at everything you try. But you get to the end of each day, each year, your entire life with no regrets by living it all with unbridled passion.

Half-way leaves you doubting how much better you could have been. Don't give it half your effort. Give it ALL.

No regrets.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

~ Diana

boundaries

Met with Alyson yesterday. We had a good session. I talked about what happened between K and I. It was helpful. I have been hurt because K has not come through on talking about what happened in Bflo on my last visit. Alyson had a good suggestion. New Approach. Set a boundary and forget about the conversation, the processing. It always turns into a back and forth circle conversation and nothing is resolved. Alyson suggested I just set a boundary. Something like.

"I have been thinking about this and I have decided that we do not need to have the conversation. An apology at some point would be nice, but what I really want to say is what happened, cannot happen again. You cannot talk me that way. You will either respect me and my choices or you won't. But you will not speak to me that way or say hurtful things to me. If you decide that someday you want to have a conversation about what happened, then we will. It's up to you. But it cannot happen again. Ever." 

 

All that is left now is for me to do that. This will set a boundary. Might actually make K feel safer. I like this new approach. The conversations or the processing I have always insisted on has never been satisfactory. K as ALWAYS resisted or rebelled against it. I should abandon the processing. It only cause more hurt.  One stone at a time build a boundary.

 

I also talked about how I left Bflo as a way to stop the fights with K. To give her space to become her own person. I talked about how I have been walking on eggshells around Kate. Her response was "You have lost your voice" True. I have lost my voice. I am not going to do that anymore. I lost my voice before. But then I found it. I am going to do that again. Find my voice.

 

On another note. I met with my doc last week. Everything is status quo. Sugar levels are right where she wants them. One concern is my calcium levels are out of the normal range.  She wrote to me...The only thing out of line was your calcium. This is not a "scary" calcium problem. (i.e. This is NOT cancer. This is NOT Tuberculosis. Etc.) I know this because those things give you a low parathyroid hormone level and yours is NOT low. So, it is probably a side effect of your hydrochlorothiazide and some longstanding secondary hyperparathyroidism from vitamin D deficiency. However, it could be primary hyperparathyroidism (not a cancer- a benign but annoying problem that can lead to osteoporosis and kidney stones). The plan is to watch it. And she has ordered a bone scan test. It scared me to read This is NOT cancer. I have had cancer so to even read the C word in a message about me was disturbing. It reminds me how vulnerable I am, and how I stay at this job or keep working at jobs to have health insurance because I have health issues. Not because it is the work I want to do, but because I need a bone scan.

Eggshells

So today is the day I drive back home to A2. I am quite tired and exhausted. I enjoyed being here working with Tee on the show. It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. I caught myself more than once, sayings things like I'm happy...right now in this moment I am happy... I love this. I feel I did a good job of running the show and taking care of the artists. Every once in a while I would catch myself thinking about or checking in with work back in A2 at my job,  but for the most part I let it go. That felt good too.

I had many good moments while here. The ritual with Cyd, Garland and Phoenix for Hilda was important and I feel we made it beautiful and impactful for all of us. I saw Ron and talked art for a couple of hours. I sat in coffee shops and read my book. I got a haircut from Michele and a massage from Kathy Regan. I went to Ujima and saw the new show. And then I worked the show for Tee. It was an amazing trip down my old  Bflo  life memory lane. Including fights with Kate.

Kate and I did not get along. Get along. Odd expression isn't it? To be or continue to be on harmonious terms. Yea..no harmony. When I first arrived things between us were good. She was very busy with work all week. But Friday through Monday she had off. Friday she came to the site and acted like a punk. And also on Saturday morning. It would do no good for me to recount every hurtful moment so I won't. But by Saturday morning after I asked her for help and we had a big argument, by then I was done. I called Trish in tears. I pulled my car over to the side of road, and crying I called her. She comforted me and I told her something I have never admitted to before. One of the reasons I left Bflo was to give Kate and myself some distance and space between us. She was not surprised by my revelation, and commented that I have been walking on eggshells around Kate for years. It did feel good to finally after ten years say that out loud. The public position has always been that I left to find work, and that is true...but also because Kate had become so difficult, that it seemed like my only option-she just would not stop fighting with me.

Walking on eggshells-a situation in which people make every effort not to offend a volatile or hypersensitive person. Literally walking on the empty shells of eggs requires exceptional caution and self-control, similar to the feeling of avoiding conflict with their loved one. Even the slightest offense may be enough to trigger an explosive emotional outburst. It may be viewed as a form of self-preservation, often accompanied by feelings of anxiety or dread. Failure to maintain such a non-confrontational atmosphere may end badly.

We have made progress in our relationship as mother and daughter-we have even had authentic connections and greater understanding with each other these past few years. We have both matured. Still we revert back to old habits, and it is always so hurtful to us both. It was as if she was jealous of the fact that I was having a good time. Jealous that something- not her- was making me happy and she did not like it so she acted like a spoiled brat-selfish and mean.

Now I have decided I am done walking on eggshells around Kate. I am going to be myself, and I am going to require that she speak to me respectively or forfeit the relationship, not completely but to a shallower less meaningful level. Maybe that is what she wants. She and Erin spend too much time in bars and too much time drinking. I have kept silent about that, been non-judgmental but all that does is make me feel crappy, and swallowing my fears around her drinking is bad for me and for Kate.

She said to me yesterday that she wanted to go to dinner after the dyke march, she and Erin had had enough of loud people and drinking. But that never happened. After the march it was into the bars for drinking. Very disappointing that a march I founded 14 years ago has dissolved into a meaningless activity that ends in drinking. Self destructive behavior supported by a non-profit - where is their mission for the community?

I finally left-nothing substantive ever really happens in a bar. People are busy avoiding their lives and their feelings. When I left Kate asked me to come over for coffee at 9. Not likely because I am pretty sure she stayed out drinking. And that means I am sitting in an apartment with her and Erin while they cook and eat and watch TV, and no real discussion. My goal before I leave is to have a "dialogue" with her. No more walking on eggshells. Just tell her my truth and my fears.

At the parade with Kate and Erin I felt quiet. Kate called later than 9-and we just met at the parade. I watched it and then drove home. She and Erin walked me to my car to say goodbyes. Erin hugs me I love you she says and I think really I have been here a week and as usual we have spent no time together. Erin keeps me at a distance. I like Erin she has many good qualities but she keeps me at a distance, Kate hugs me and says I love you, you are my favorite person in the whole world. No apology. I responded with but we have problems, and we have to deal with them, because it hurts both of us. Her response was I know. So we need to talk Kate. We will she said We will.

Not one phone call since I got home.

Buffalo

I am in Buffalo, staying with good friends who make me feel so very welcome and taken care of. I am comfy and comfortable. The added bonus at Robbie's is Mouse, the sweetest dog in the world. I often fantasize about a dog but stop myself because of the small place I live in and the time I spend at work. Someday I will cave and give in. Sunday I got to see where my daughter works, in her gladiator kitchen as she calls it and I ate at her food truck on Old Falls Street. Yummy tacos. We took a walk over to the falls, and talked about how the draw and gravity of the water draws you in. I actually got light headed. Sunday we hung out most of the day and then wound up at Milk and Rahwa's for dinner, courtesy of Milk grillin ribs and chicken. A great day. I did smoke a bit with Milk but just a bit, and did not "binge" eat after. My sugar level was normal this morning. Did not ask for some to take with me or to buy and today I have not thought much about it at all. I was with LC Sunday because I went to the Ujima play. But again did not crave it or think about getting it. And the first time Milk offered it to me, I said nah I'm good. But then later after dinner I had a lil bit. So that is progress. I went swimming this morning at the BAC. And I have been eating healthy. No chips. It is easier to be healthy at Robbie's because she practices what I do, and all the food in the house is super healthy I'm good. It is rainy and cold today. Tonight I meet the Ambush crew that I work with on Friday.

I am so looking forward to working the event for Terence. A..I am happy that I am here to help my friend. and B I am so happy to be doing what I love so much. It was good to be at TheaterLoft for the Ujima show too...kind of that back where I belong, like the song says. Or maybe back where I have a sense of belonging.  Lorna gave me my old director's chair that has been in storage there for, well ten years All I could say over and over was omg. It felt like I was looking at a museum piece of my own life. So although ten years has gone by, there are still parts of me here in my home town, that people know and recognize. I am sure that will soon be over. But for this week, I will enjoy it. Every minute.

kindness of strangers

It was a beautiful hotel. The former Union station for St Louis now the Doubletree Hotel was where we stayed for the conference. Once the world's largest and busiest train station, it saw 100,000 passengers a day on 22 different rail lines. What is now the "lobby" features a gold-leafed Grand Hall, Romanesque arches, a 65-foot  barrel-vaulted ceiling and stained-glass windows. I spent as much time as I could in that grand lobby soaking in it's beauty and good energy...meaning I felt female energy and much of the motif of the Grand Hall featured female imagery. Later I discovered through some research that the "Grille" restaurant located there just off the Hall, was Fred Harvey's original restaurant that transformed rail dining with the "Harvey Girls."  I guess I was feeling their pioneer energy. St Louis was a beautiful city with very friendly people, and I felt completely at ease. It reminded me of Buffalo in many ways, architecture from the turn of the previous century, remnants of a time now gone, and the residents who remain making their way with the burden of a city infrastructure too big for those who live and work there now.  I made a friend in Robert, the young queen who worked the coffee shop in the lobby. At 5:50 every morning I was in the lobby waiting for him to open. He was very kind and always gave me coffee before he was officially open, and then took my money later, not making me wait for my morning fix. He must recognize that look in people's eyes doing the work that he does.
During my trip I definitely experienced the kindness of strangers, and felt buoyed by it. There is a freedom from self that one can experience when you travel and no one really knows you but accepts you as a stranger anyway. Travel without character baggage. There was an elation in strangers acceptance of me and I was delighted to enjoy it. When I left, Robert who kidded me about the "girls in Detroit" and his knowledge based on viewing Judge Mathis, hugged me when I checked out. This morning, although glad to be home...I am wondering about Robert and his morning, the beautiful girls on the walls ...
Sunday I am traveling to Buffalo for the week .. I am going home to see Kate, and to help Tee with her Ambush party before Pride. I am hoping to get through the week with my good intentions to stay on track with good food choices and exercise. Best way to do that is to plan and prepare. Have to find a place to work out before I get there...staying with Robbie the food choice part will be supported by Robbie and the close location of the food co-op. I also need to stay away from pot while home and I am feeling strong about that. I am focused on how good I will feel when I get back home if I can stay on track, and come home having achieved all of that.