it has been a wonderful holiday.
tues nite i saw christmas carol from the National Theatre of Scotland. magical-i was transfixed the entire show. loved it. kate and jane got here weds nite. and we are having a grand time. christmas eve dinner was pot roast followed by christmas breakfast of pot roast and poached eggs. spent afternoon with carmen and sarah. lovely. went to DIA for Thirty Americans and Rivera Court. games of mexican dominos. then brunch with cynthia and laura j on sunday. and a fun dinner of pot stickers made by kate and jane and hot and sour soup that i made. then asleep early. im exhausted from all the running around.
kate and jane are fun to be with. today i think we are going to relax. and i have given myself permission to not go back to work until weds.
im happy.
Monday, December 28, 2015
a little at a time
tuesday nov 25
i let the pain in a little at a time
now i am feeling the full effect of maggies departure. she has departed again maybe thats why.
but i do this. slow. takes me forever to process.
tears every day.
i let the pain in a little at a time
now i am feeling the full effect of maggies departure. she has departed again maybe thats why.
but i do this. slow. takes me forever to process.
tears every day.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
doc visit
saw doc wyckoff yesterday. Ive lost seven pounds. my sugars are lower. been going back to gym. havent been since last thursday almost a week. not good.
but im making progress in the right direction
more relaxed ? am i? now im less stressed. i can feel less stressed and the self talk is all day long. its working. there might be a bit of a difference. maybe being less stressed is a way to get to more relaxed. because ive never felt relaxed. not that i can remember.
i believe it is the result of being on guard for so many years. being alert to every sound in the night. all those years that i listened for the sound of a car in a driveway. waking 20 minutes after falling asleep. listening for creaky sounds in the dark. what was that? is somebody there? is somebody coming ? freeze. dont move.
there right there. i went from good news to the dark side in a second.
good news. I am doing better.
but im making progress in the right direction
more relaxed ? am i? now im less stressed. i can feel less stressed and the self talk is all day long. its working. there might be a bit of a difference. maybe being less stressed is a way to get to more relaxed. because ive never felt relaxed. not that i can remember.
i believe it is the result of being on guard for so many years. being alert to every sound in the night. all those years that i listened for the sound of a car in a driveway. waking 20 minutes after falling asleep. listening for creaky sounds in the dark. what was that? is somebody there? is somebody coming ? freeze. dont move.
there right there. i went from good news to the dark side in a second.
good news. I am doing better.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
windmill cookies
tea and cookies and cats sittin in open windows on november 15 sun shine steaming in. beautiful day i think my dad felt a cup of tea and some cookies or cake or bread and cheese could cure damn near anything. could help fix what ails you. the fact that we could make a cup of tea and have a treat any time we wanted was a treat for man who had grown up poor and catholic in scotland during ww1.
dad and i often had tea and those windmill cookies as a treat. the tea had milk and sugar and the cookies had cinnamon, cloves, almonds, and nutmeg. medicine in my house. he would tell me the most wonderful stories.
might be able to clean car. it smells funny inside the car.
being a fat women you know that your fat keeps men away from you. makes you physically safe from annoying random unwelcome advances. not the rapists or abusers. it keeps the regular guys looking for regular sex or the guys you compete with at work or for a parking space. they don't bother with you. you're not worth the trouble. it is a relief to a pretty girl. but are you on fat as a self defense against unwanted advances?
having sexual advances put upon you as a child makes you very weary. .. a child age 5. advanced upon when choice is not an option. before you have the words. its hard to say no as a child. children are expected to say yes. be a good girl and say yes when an adult asks you do to something. if asked to do something, do it.
a new question for me. why was my mother so selectively observant and keenly aware to the level of fortune teller or psychic. she knew the exact day i had sex with a boy for the first time. the exact day and location. she did. but she never saw that i was being sexually abused by her oldest son. on a regular basis. was it that you see what you are looking for. she wasnt looking for that in me at age 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 or 12. no one had ever told her to look inside the house as well as outside.
when you are fat bad things still happen to you. just fewer bad things. and the constant glare is omitted from your daily life. that gives you space. so now you only have to be alert for the real predators. the abusers, the rapists, the oppressors.
so how to feel safe and not be fat. is it possible for me to do that? yes if i am physically fit, then i feel safer. is that true or it just sounds good? and i want to be perceived as a good person healed, i want not to be a victim.
the first time i was a victim i was five years old. i weighed 36 pounds, and was 37 inches tall. i could climb trees and get over fences. i could catch poly wogs and fireflies. i could walk to the creek, and the barn and find my way back by myself. my dog duke and my older sister betty were my protectors. a car killed duke and betty married and moved out. their departures left me vulnerable.
and thats when it started. thats when it all started and kept going for more than 50 years. it didnt actually last 50 years it lasted about 9 years ... and then it kept going in my head and could fade away for hours at a time but it would pop back in.and blam its there..as quick as a swallow its in your minds eye..blocking whatever is happening in real time right in front of you..just missing that...but you learn to bring yourself back..snap back..here.. all day that happens all day long.
Friday, November 13, 2015
new moon in scorpio
what triggers memory?
for me its the light. i'll walk outside and i am carried to another time when the weather was the same. i remember a good memory.it pops in. im 17 riding my bike to my waitress job. riding in the dark at 6 a.m. . that magical time of day. betwixt and between light and dark. another 30 mins of dark at the most, wind whipping the crisp air making branches snap and leafs rustle loudly.
i feel good, safe and free . my liberator is the wind in my hair. breathing deeply pumping my legs up and down on my 3 speed blue and silver Schwinn. i feel physically strong. i loved that bike ride to work. i miss it. it was early. i was going to my job to earn money to take care of my self. free myself from a house full of hurts. this moment of riding to work in the dark alone is a good one. i was finding a way out.
a rare moment. most days i lived in fear, not knowing when the next hurt was coming.
there was something else too. what was it again? dammit.
the new moon scorpio is full of hope for joy and change. there is potential. i feel it.
for me its the light. i'll walk outside and i am carried to another time when the weather was the same. i remember a good memory.it pops in. im 17 riding my bike to my waitress job. riding in the dark at 6 a.m. . that magical time of day. betwixt and between light and dark. another 30 mins of dark at the most, wind whipping the crisp air making branches snap and leafs rustle loudly.
i feel good, safe and free . my liberator is the wind in my hair. breathing deeply pumping my legs up and down on my 3 speed blue and silver Schwinn. i feel physically strong. i loved that bike ride to work. i miss it. it was early. i was going to my job to earn money to take care of my self. free myself from a house full of hurts. this moment of riding to work in the dark alone is a good one. i was finding a way out.
a rare moment. most days i lived in fear, not knowing when the next hurt was coming.
there was something else too. what was it again? dammit.
the new moon scorpio is full of hope for joy and change. there is potential. i feel it.
A
new moon in Scorpio is raw power. A new moon in Scorpio introduces us
to ours. A new moon in Scorpio comes with an air of intensity and asks
us what we might put the pedal to the metal for. A new moon in Scorpio
strips us down and demands that we claim what we are at the core. This
new moon is the beginning of some much-deserved access to abundance.
This new moon is the beginning of seeing what you can and have done with
the trials and tribulations of the past few years. This new moon I urge
you to do ritual around ease, effortlessness and all parts of your life
that are naturally free-flowing.This
week, before, during and after the new moon are also particularly
potent times as you become the conduit for much of the astrology to flow
through. This week focuses on healing subterranean traumas, but this
time somewhat effortlessly. Like when you work on an issue for 30 years
and one day you realize it simply doesn’t have the same hold on you that
it used to.
This
behind the scenes bargaining is important for you to be engaged with.
Your inner hecklers and internalized oppressors could be taunting you,
dissuading you and confusing the issues but tell yourself that you have
it on good faith that this is your time to begin anew with courage, with
optimism and with good sense. It’s also the perfect time to keep
working away at what you’ve got cooking behind the scenes. This
particular mix of energies requires that your success comes from being
willing to balance going within and taking action.
Your efforts now will take root and they will rise. chani nicholas
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
what it did to me.
Sexual abuse in a very young person changes everything.
It changed me. Not in the way a person would grow and change over time, based on experience and choices that you recognize or acknowledge as yours. No, the change I am talking about is the result of trauma. And a child has so little context that the brain starts making choices, pushing the child to develop survival skills for life. Everything could be a matter of life or death, and the brain does what it has to to make sure you are never going to be hurt again.
A kind of unconscious self defense class that you stay in and never graduate from.These are not conscious decisions. Over time you come to believe it's just who you are, this is the person you we destined to be. Just like you believe Amelia Earhart was born to fly the Atlantic. Then you fill yourself up and weigh yourself down with guilt and shame.
To feel safe in the world that let me down and vulnerable to abuse I became, unyielding, vigilant, forceful to protect myself, to stay alive in my world. Anything bad could happen at any moment, and everything that happens is my fault. My childhood sexual abuse happened over a period of 10 years, 10 years living with a big dark dirty secret that conditioned me in ways it would take years to unlock.
If I could appear strong powerful then I would not appear vulnerable, and be safe from harm like that or of any kind.
Being hard on myself is my vigilance trying to keep me safe. Always on the lookout for the predator. The need became great at such a young age that for most of my life I would have said it wasn't true. That was just who I was.
Now I practice being vulnerable. I practice telling myself that everything is going to be okay. That it is a path to a happiness I have yet to experience. But I resist the practice.
It changed me. Not in the way a person would grow and change over time, based on experience and choices that you recognize or acknowledge as yours. No, the change I am talking about is the result of trauma. And a child has so little context that the brain starts making choices, pushing the child to develop survival skills for life. Everything could be a matter of life or death, and the brain does what it has to to make sure you are never going to be hurt again.
A kind of unconscious self defense class that you stay in and never graduate from.These are not conscious decisions. Over time you come to believe it's just who you are, this is the person you we destined to be. Just like you believe Amelia Earhart was born to fly the Atlantic. Then you fill yourself up and weigh yourself down with guilt and shame.
To feel safe in the world that let me down and vulnerable to abuse I became, unyielding, vigilant, forceful to protect myself, to stay alive in my world. Anything bad could happen at any moment, and everything that happens is my fault. My childhood sexual abuse happened over a period of 10 years, 10 years living with a big dark dirty secret that conditioned me in ways it would take years to unlock.
If I could appear strong powerful then I would not appear vulnerable, and be safe from harm like that or of any kind.
Being hard on myself is my vigilance trying to keep me safe. Always on the lookout for the predator. The need became great at such a young age that for most of my life I would have said it wasn't true. That was just who I was.
Now I practice being vulnerable. I practice telling myself that everything is going to be okay. That it is a path to a happiness I have yet to experience. But I resist the practice.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Not
If I'm guilty of one thing I'm guilty of all of it.
Today I kept my word to myself. Pats on my back for that.
STOP
Saying stop to the intrusive thoughts.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
starting over
off from the starting gate morning one
i have been on a serious binge since michfest and today i wish to stop that behavior and turn it around. my behaviors are harming actually halting and reversing my good work and health achievements.
there is no wine and no pot in the house. i keep this record to know when i made this promise to my self. i know what to do. meditate every day, take my meds, get some exercise momentum going at rec center and eat healthy. lets see what i can do and how far i can go.lets see how much better i feel.
i can do this. i have done this. i know how to do this. i can do it again.
i will feel better. i will feel so much better. i look forward to feeling that good again.
so with doc i agreed to
say stop when the bad thoughts come
mediatate
be creative
today is predicted to be a rain day, so rain and music and housecleaning for saturday ... it rained overnight with lightning and thunder last night but i slept through most of it.
i have been on a serious binge since michfest and today i wish to stop that behavior and turn it around. my behaviors are harming actually halting and reversing my good work and health achievements.
there is no wine and no pot in the house. i keep this record to know when i made this promise to my self. i know what to do. meditate every day, take my meds, get some exercise momentum going at rec center and eat healthy. lets see what i can do and how far i can go.lets see how much better i feel.
i can do this. i have done this. i know how to do this. i can do it again.
i will feel better. i will feel so much better. i look forward to feeling that good again.
so with doc i agreed to
say stop when the bad thoughts come
mediatate
be creative
today is predicted to be a rain day, so rain and music and housecleaning for saturday ... it rained overnight with lightning and thunder last night but i slept through most of it.
Friday, September 18, 2015
today i agreed
what i agreed to in therapy today
today i agreed.
i did not disagree
i interrupted my impulse to disagree
"thats an interesting thought" or "thank you" are possible new responses
i agreed to starting a meditation practice
i agreed to doing something creative
today i agreed.
i did not disagree
i interrupted my impulse to disagree
"thats an interesting thought" or "thank you" are possible new responses
i agreed to starting a meditation practice
i agreed to doing something creative
i can let it go
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
~Saphire Rose
(Art: Trini Schultz, thanks to Source of the Earth)
Thursday, September 17, 2015
that time of year when the season changes
thats whats happening now. summer ending, fall arriving. the air and light is different too. school year has started and kids are back in school as are the cheese buses. the energy of autumn is here. its a different hustle on the street. people pick up the pace of their walk.
true to my own rituals i have been reorganizing my space and possessions. shedding what i no longer need and rearranging the furniture. ive replaced the shower curtain liner and relocated the litter box.
made a decision. listening to dalton in a way that i hear her.
when she makes a statement that i want to discount. i will resist that urge, and instead accept what doc has said. accept what i wish to reject.
change
vulnerable. practice vulnerability every day
change
shame. let go of it. don't let the need to understand it block the letting go of it.
i always feel good during the autumn months. i feel more possibility for change.
recovery
im in recovery from trauma
i have been for the greater part of my life
i have accomplished many things in spite of and because of this state of being
doc asked for a list of accomplishments
there are two lists
one of personal achievement
one is social change
social change
ujima theatre company
era extension campaign
drama workshops at correctional facility-convicted rapists
writing workshop womens correctional facility
training and presentations on sexual assault/date rape/increased prosecution rate
acting workshops/classes for lesbians1994-95
published yalla bitch
founded lesbian theatre company 1994
founded dyke march bflo 2001
lesbian health care project
dykes do drag artistic director and executive producer
unpaid fundraiser for MOMMA, day care, ERA, Casting Hall, Ujima, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Bflo Pride, Dyke March, HAG, Bflo Lesbian Health Care Project,Simple Gifts, Earth's Daughters, Benedict House, Just Buffalo Literary Center, NOW Buffalo Chapter, Erie County Citizens Committee Against Rape and Sexual Assault, high school yearbook, PEAR Kenya, Michigan Marriage Challenge
sat on the board NOW Bflo, Erie Co Citizens Com Against rape and sexual assault, Buffalo Pride, HAG Theatre, PEAR Kenya, AFP Detroit, A2 Network
paid fundraiser Hallwalls, Ujima, CEPA, Casting Hall SUCB, Menorah Campus, Arts Council of Bflo and Erie Co, HRWC, El Museo, Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit
personal achiewelfare
true to my own rituals i have been reorganizing my space and possessions. shedding what i no longer need and rearranging the furniture. ive replaced the shower curtain liner and relocated the litter box.
made a decision. listening to dalton in a way that i hear her.
when she makes a statement that i want to discount. i will resist that urge, and instead accept what doc has said. accept what i wish to reject.
change
vulnerable. practice vulnerability every day
change
shame. let go of it. don't let the need to understand it block the letting go of it.
i always feel good during the autumn months. i feel more possibility for change.
recovery
im in recovery from trauma
i have been for the greater part of my life
i have accomplished many things in spite of and because of this state of being
doc asked for a list of accomplishments
there are two lists
one of personal achievement
one is social change
social change
ujima theatre company
era extension campaign
drama workshops at correctional facility-convicted rapists
writing workshop womens correctional facility
training and presentations on sexual assault/date rape/increased prosecution rate
acting workshops/classes for lesbians1994-95
published yalla bitch
founded lesbian theatre company 1994
founded dyke march bflo 2001
lesbian health care project
dykes do drag artistic director and executive producer
unpaid fundraiser for MOMMA, day care, ERA, Casting Hall, Ujima, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Bflo Pride, Dyke March, HAG, Bflo Lesbian Health Care Project,Simple Gifts, Earth's Daughters, Benedict House, Just Buffalo Literary Center, NOW Buffalo Chapter, Erie County Citizens Committee Against Rape and Sexual Assault, high school yearbook, PEAR Kenya, Michigan Marriage Challenge
sat on the board NOW Bflo, Erie Co Citizens Com Against rape and sexual assault, Buffalo Pride, HAG Theatre, PEAR Kenya, AFP Detroit, A2 Network
paid fundraiser Hallwalls, Ujima, CEPA, Casting Hall SUCB, Menorah Campus, Arts Council of Bflo and Erie Co, HRWC, El Museo, Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit
personal achiewelfare
Sought help
finished college while on welfare
i see people and things others miss, because i am alert
highly perceptive bullshit detector
sensitive and kind
motivated activist
grateful to ancestors
artist
mother
friend
capable of more
bear for hard work
artistic collaborations with ron ehmke, trish kerle, alexis de veaux, lorna hill, jimmie gilliam, sarah norat phillips, peggy shaw, tatiana de le tierra, madeline davis
presented mostly queer artists ron ehmke, holly hughes, Betty, Kate Clinton, lea delaria, bitch, toshi, david sedaris, patty lupone, dorothy alison, jacquelyn woodson, sister spit, split britches, peggy shaw and lois weaver.
finished college while on welfare
i see people and things others miss, because i am alert
highly perceptive bullshit detector
sensitive and kind
motivated activist
grateful to ancestors
artist
mother
friend
capable of more
bear for hard work
artistic collaborations with ron ehmke, trish kerle, alexis de veaux, lorna hill, jimmie gilliam, sarah norat phillips, peggy shaw, tatiana de le tierra, madeline davis
presented mostly queer artists ron ehmke, holly hughes, Betty, Kate Clinton, lea delaria, bitch, toshi, david sedaris, patty lupone, dorothy alison, jacquelyn woodson, sister spit, split britches, peggy shaw and lois weaver.
Monday, September 7, 2015
don't hear
I dont hear from kate as often as i used to. I understand why. Still it hurts a little bit to not hear from her as much as I was. I understand that she will be 40 in Nov. so what would I expect? She is very much involved in her life, job, friends, Jane and the kids. Of course she loves me as much as she always has...but i just hear from her less and our talk seems stale so maybe these questions will help. Instead
of always asking about the weather....
of always asking about the weather....
- What did you eat for lunch?
- Did you catch anyone picking their nose?
- What games did you play at recess?
- What was the funniest thing that happened today?
- Did anyone do anything super nice for you?
- What was the nicest thing you did for someone else?
- Who made you smile today?
- Which one of your teachers would survive a zombie apocalypse? Why?
- What new fact did you learn today?
- Who brought the best food in their lunch today? What was it?
- What challenged you today?
- If school were a ride at the fair, which ride would it be? Why?
- What would you rate your day on a scale of 1 to 10? Why?
- If one of your classmates could be the teacher for the day who would you want it to be? Why?
- If you had the chance to be the teacher tomorrow, what would you teach the class?
- Did anyone push your buttons today?
- Who do you want to make friends with but haven’t yet? Why not?
- What is your teacher’s most important rule?
- What is the most popular thing to do at recess?
- Does your teacher remind you of anyone else you know? How?
- Tell me something you learned about a friend today.
- If aliens came to school and beamed up 3 kids, who do you wish they would take? Why?
- What is one thing you did today that was helpful?
- When did you feel most proud of yourself today?
- What rule was the hardest to follow today?
- What is one thing you hope to learn before the school year is over?
- Which person in your class is your exact opposite?
- Which area of your school is the most fun?
- Which playground skill do you plan to master this year?
- Does anyone in your class have a hard time following the rules?
Friday, September 4, 2015
August 2015
what made it and how do i get back to where i belong?
I let myself off the hook for all of it.
it started with the last michfest. i experienced it alone. my choice. alone with my thoughts and motivations. lovely but emotional.
the secret eating what i want by eating alone started at michfest and continued to increase both in variety and amount. by months end i had gained 10 pounds. all clothes are tight and snug. it doesnt feel good.
but i got a lot of sleep .. sleep in which i was free from anxiety. i was free from torturous thoughts. i am a free person in my sleep.
there was the weekend i invited people to my house sat night for drinks etc and no one could come. i tried to find folks to do anything with. everyone had other plans.
no mater i got busy reorg the house cleaning the car fixing the vacuum changing the furniture new towels and bedspread color my hair get rid of some of the grey. or is it gray.
got another call from another collection agency. had a bad two days. just one call and it stopped. everyone who calls surprises me with the intensity of their hostile threats. the calls remind me of when i was always broke dodging calls that were legit. when i owed everybody and had not enough funds ever.
things are better now but i don't feel secure or safe financially. i feel vulnerable for lack of money.
ive paid a lot off and i maintain one time payments for current debt. have decreased old debt but increased monthly expenses. so no significant gain. i have a bigger bed and i drive a new car that is leased. i am mobile and i can eat what i want.still i am skating on ice. thats how it feels.
i hate mag more then ever. i love maggie still. im upset that in oct i will really lose her when she leaves jolly. all these years any time i wanted to see her all i had to do was stop in and there she was. im loing that and it makes me v sad.
i didnt really talk to trish or robbie or anyone i kept to myself. last night i noticed 5 calls from trish on my call log. unusual so that means i dropped out so much in august trish called a lot to check on me.
august, washtenaw county
let go of a lot of anxiety at work. calming myself all the time. i dont need to have all the answers.
I let myself off the hook for all of it.
it started with the last michfest. i experienced it alone. my choice. alone with my thoughts and motivations. lovely but emotional.
the secret eating what i want by eating alone started at michfest and continued to increase both in variety and amount. by months end i had gained 10 pounds. all clothes are tight and snug. it doesnt feel good.
but i got a lot of sleep .. sleep in which i was free from anxiety. i was free from torturous thoughts. i am a free person in my sleep.
there was the weekend i invited people to my house sat night for drinks etc and no one could come. i tried to find folks to do anything with. everyone had other plans.
no mater i got busy reorg the house cleaning the car fixing the vacuum changing the furniture new towels and bedspread color my hair get rid of some of the grey. or is it gray.
got another call from another collection agency. had a bad two days. just one call and it stopped. everyone who calls surprises me with the intensity of their hostile threats. the calls remind me of when i was always broke dodging calls that were legit. when i owed everybody and had not enough funds ever.
things are better now but i don't feel secure or safe financially. i feel vulnerable for lack of money.
ive paid a lot off and i maintain one time payments for current debt. have decreased old debt but increased monthly expenses. so no significant gain. i have a bigger bed and i drive a new car that is leased. i am mobile and i can eat what i want.still i am skating on ice. thats how it feels.
i hate mag more then ever. i love maggie still. im upset that in oct i will really lose her when she leaves jolly. all these years any time i wanted to see her all i had to do was stop in and there she was. im loing that and it makes me v sad.
i didnt really talk to trish or robbie or anyone i kept to myself. last night i noticed 5 calls from trish on my call log. unusual so that means i dropped out so much in august trish called a lot to check on me.
august, washtenaw county
let go of a lot of anxiety at work. calming myself all the time. i dont need to have all the answers.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
stress free well almost
i am still taking my vacation from stress the dominant theme of my life. something i think i hid better, when younger. stress sows more when you are older. i see it more on me than i did before.
what did i learn on my summer vacation?
that i will miss michfest forever but am grateful for being present with my sisters this last time. very grateful that i camped alone and experienced it with mostly womyn i did not know and would never see again. some of that good kindness of strangers. went to allies in understanding and it was a good experience, again, and it helped me understand how to move forward with my feelings of loss.
that i loved scurrying out of work every day. that i loved coming home and being by myself, no social obligations, just naps with the cats. i did a lot of housework and re-org kinds of activities. i like those. i did a bunch of spaces, cupboards, closet, drawers, car, kitchen pantry, and there are more to do. there always is. i used to think i just want to get it all done...when will it ever be done? its never done and is that not a comfort. that continual pull to move to a simple task? busy work.
very aware of how present and now not present i am. i moved to the opposite end of the spectrum.
the idea that i wont know where maggie is, after she leaves in october, distresses me. now it feels like it is really ending. she will disappear into the scenery. this next week is my last time working with her. it makes me sad. the loss of maggie still causes me distress. it hurts just as much as it ever did and i am still learning to respond to it, to get used to it, and fully accept it as an unrequited love.
i hate okcupid. it depresses me. its stupid.
i have yet to determine the reason or origin of this most recent binge. i needed relief from sorrow. i was weary very weary. but i did more than binge i did it in excess. i ate foods i had not eaten in years. i am eating cheese and dairy and feeling crappy. i had pizaa and wings delivered to the house. i have not done that in 9 years. but crappy better than weary. i am drinking wine and smoking pot. and im enjoying the change of feeling. it is a change of feeling.
that i miss feeling healthy and lighter. i ache all over. everything hurts. my feet. my ankles are swollen. that i hate senior discounts and having a daughter who is turning 40 in two months.
what did i learn on my summer vacation?
that i will miss michfest forever but am grateful for being present with my sisters this last time. very grateful that i camped alone and experienced it with mostly womyn i did not know and would never see again. some of that good kindness of strangers. went to allies in understanding and it was a good experience, again, and it helped me understand how to move forward with my feelings of loss.
that i loved scurrying out of work every day. that i loved coming home and being by myself, no social obligations, just naps with the cats. i did a lot of housework and re-org kinds of activities. i like those. i did a bunch of spaces, cupboards, closet, drawers, car, kitchen pantry, and there are more to do. there always is. i used to think i just want to get it all done...when will it ever be done? its never done and is that not a comfort. that continual pull to move to a simple task? busy work.
very aware of how present and now not present i am. i moved to the opposite end of the spectrum.
the idea that i wont know where maggie is, after she leaves in october, distresses me. now it feels like it is really ending. she will disappear into the scenery. this next week is my last time working with her. it makes me sad. the loss of maggie still causes me distress. it hurts just as much as it ever did and i am still learning to respond to it, to get used to it, and fully accept it as an unrequited love.
i hate okcupid. it depresses me. its stupid.
i have yet to determine the reason or origin of this most recent binge. i needed relief from sorrow. i was weary very weary. but i did more than binge i did it in excess. i ate foods i had not eaten in years. i am eating cheese and dairy and feeling crappy. i had pizaa and wings delivered to the house. i have not done that in 9 years. but crappy better than weary. i am drinking wine and smoking pot. and im enjoying the change of feeling. it is a change of feeling.
that i miss feeling healthy and lighter. i ache all over. everything hurts. my feet. my ankles are swollen. that i hate senior discounts and having a daughter who is turning 40 in two months.
Monday, August 24, 2015
raining more this summer
more rain than usual this summer.
it was a productive stoner weekend. it was a vacation. a stay home vacation. i didnt worry about anything. it was an anxiety break. im still on break.
this is the text I woke up to this Monday morning from Kate
Hi. I had a weekend alone. I have been deep in my head which can sometimes be bad. This weekend it wasn't. I was alone. But not lonely. And I thought about you a lot. Because you have been alone. And you take such good care of yourself and us. So. I love you. Thank you for making me aware.
that was very sweet but i felt guilty because i binged all weekend and did not take care of myself. i escaped feeling bad.
it was a productive stoner weekend. it was a vacation. a stay home vacation. i didnt worry about anything. it was an anxiety break. im still on break.
this is the text I woke up to this Monday morning from Kate
Hi. I had a weekend alone. I have been deep in my head which can sometimes be bad. This weekend it wasn't. I was alone. But not lonely. And I thought about you a lot. Because you have been alone. And you take such good care of yourself and us. So. I love you. Thank you for making me aware.
that was very sweet but i felt guilty because i binged all weekend and did not take care of myself. i escaped feeling bad.
weighs upon me
well it did for awhile. it weighed upon me that keck may have felt that i had forgotten about her. i did leave her a message but she did not reply. i got derailed from a lot while kate was divorcing erin. so all my free time was going to kate.
i finally reached out to keck but like i said no reply. then she was dead. committed suicide. shot herself and it really shook me. she killed herself and she had pts . i have pts. i have considered suicide but i always choose to stay/ i believe i always will and the thoughts of ending it means ending the pain. not ending my life. i want to stay and see the ending. im game for it most days.
i felt crappy. i think i found claire told me in March sometime that keck was dead. i felt crappy like i had let her down by not calling back sooner than i did. now in august i realized someting for the first time. she was not a good friend to me. she often let me down and was never there for me like my other friends who always show up. liz never showed up for me. so i let feeling crappy about all this go. what ever i gave liz, always felt like it wasnt enough for her. she wanted more without giving more to get it. she wasnt there for me because she didnt know how to. i forgive us both for being human and making mistakes. our intentions were good. rest in peace liz keck rest in peace.
i finally reached out to keck but like i said no reply. then she was dead. committed suicide. shot herself and it really shook me. she killed herself and she had pts . i have pts. i have considered suicide but i always choose to stay/ i believe i always will and the thoughts of ending it means ending the pain. not ending my life. i want to stay and see the ending. im game for it most days.
i felt crappy. i think i found claire told me in March sometime that keck was dead. i felt crappy like i had let her down by not calling back sooner than i did. now in august i realized someting for the first time. she was not a good friend to me. she often let me down and was never there for me like my other friends who always show up. liz never showed up for me. so i let feeling crappy about all this go. what ever i gave liz, always felt like it wasnt enough for her. she wanted more without giving more to get it. she wasnt there for me because she didnt know how to. i forgive us both for being human and making mistakes. our intentions were good. rest in peace liz keck rest in peace.
sustain
how do i sustain the healing?
and now i shut down because i am tired or weary so weary of me. i am tired of hating myself and letting myself down and feeling like crap.
and now i shut down because i am tired or weary so weary of me. i am tired of hating myself and letting myself down and feeling like crap.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
stuck at joy
when i got to the exercise about fun in the brene brown web class i quit. i couldn't do it. vacations and just for fun i dont do.i avoid it. i want to change that.
creating theatre is makes me feel alive
certain music makes me feel alive
directing makes me feel alive
driving fast with tunes cranked makes me happy
just out of the dryer fresh clean laundry- a good nuzzle
attention from the cats
cool side of the pillow
trees make me feel alive and swimming makes me feel good.
i feel vulnerable by my aging, i cant do anything but accept it, im aging and i am more vulnerable.
so learning how to be vulnerable and control my pts responses is on my mind a lot.
so i am stuck at joy. have been for months. dont have a lot of it. i have regrets and i know it is a simple matter of changing my thoughts. i say simple so i minimize it and making it easier to do it.
just took a facebook quiz test (a color test) and here is my result- accurate i would say
Wow! You answered all correctly and have scored the highest possible score! You have an impressive sight! You have the ability to notice the tiniest nuances and details, and nothing gets past you! Congratulations to you!
i do have the ability to notice the tiniest of nuances. i am observant. had to keep an eye out for predators and a raging alcoholic, by myself, by my little self. a little warrior of one. i arrive early to get the best and safest seat in the room. so as to have all the choices. and walking in late is disrespectful. but mostly it is best seat for observation.
still act like a warrior of one. a warrior who needs some joy.
i went joy riding this past weekend for the whole three days. smoked pot, ate whatever i wanted, as much as i wanted, drank wine...slept and got a ton of work done at home. made progress, cats and i hung out together. that is all. no people.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
i experience
i experience sadness, fear, anger in the extremes, every day. i am trying to change my response and I do sometimes for a period of time but then i loose it and start feeling crappy and respond badly to it. its like riding a roller coaster every day all day, never getting off. having only the short calm parts where you coast back in to home port.
yesterday dalton's voice was in my head trying to help me, and i told her to shuddup. the correct behavior is an exercise for me to yell-in my head or outloud- "stop" to negative voices, and to keep saying it if i need to.
meditation. it would be good to start my day with meditation, pills, coffee and write. that would be a life i could recognize. but can i sustain it? i spend a good deal of time thinking about that. no answer as of yet.
this is a free weekend. no obligations. just whatever i wish to do. so im doing this. i have my coffee. train whistle tells me it 6 a.m.
last week i got another call from another collection agency. my info got hacked. credit collection abuser number three actually said .."we know where you live" i had a bad time that day. but i managed to pull off a low key event and i drank wine which helped. i reported it to my attorney. that was thursday. then on fri my payroll check was not in my bank account. i had fumes left in my checking so i was counting on it being there...as it has been for going on 9 years. but no not there. new fin mgr fucked up put the wrong date didn't notice it was a sat. no money. bills due. rent. car.got an advance by check of $400 to cover. photo deposit on phone not working. banks says we've never seen anything like it. deposit it at credit union service center. sat drive to ypsilanti to deposit check. weds i call my bank ask to borrow 1K. got approved but they give me more to pay off my high interest credit cards..so eliminated those monthly payments.
i worry about money all the time. it makes me feel v vulnerable not to have enough to care for myself. . i dont manage my money in a logical way i have a distant relationship with it. true, no one taught me but im way past the age of "i got this" its not rocket science but my behaviors get in the way.
so double whammy last week on money fears. yes im drinking wine and smokin pot to change my feelings.
had meeting with Maggie. She was nice to me. ind even. that made for a difficult day. that was weds. had a staff retreat immediately after. I was in f/f. i had to work at staying present. to hear what was being said. i decided safer not to say anything until i had calmed down. it took two hours.
now deep into cleaning and organizing. new altar set. kitchen cupboards reorged. paying bills.
be back later today 7:54 a.m.
back
11:14 a.m.
been shopping
shopping and now eating fried chicken from plum. v good. ive been eating pretty much whatever i want today and yesterday.
6:21 p.m.
big decision made.getting rid of one shelvig unit and replacing with another with more storage.
new altar made.made a goddess altar in honor of michfest. doing lots laundry. clean sheets tonight.
mag was what you might call a "maybe this time" chance i took. but no more than that. just a frail hope that maybe it will happen this time. it didnt.
but ....maybe this time i can tell myself and believe it that im just human and i made a human mistake.i though she would bring security but instead she brought threats. that heart attack scenario at the end had my brother jimmy's name and behavior all over it. manipulator.
i still on occasion find some little remnant of her and immediately get rid of it. pisses me off when i find something. i let it go by getting rid of the object. letting go.
im de-cluttering. so far did kitchen shelves, scarf drawer,
made a mess at the house because that i can remedy.
yesterday dalton's voice was in my head trying to help me, and i told her to shuddup. the correct behavior is an exercise for me to yell-in my head or outloud- "stop" to negative voices, and to keep saying it if i need to.
meditation. it would be good to start my day with meditation, pills, coffee and write. that would be a life i could recognize. but can i sustain it? i spend a good deal of time thinking about that. no answer as of yet.
this is a free weekend. no obligations. just whatever i wish to do. so im doing this. i have my coffee. train whistle tells me it 6 a.m.
last week i got another call from another collection agency. my info got hacked. credit collection abuser number three actually said .."we know where you live" i had a bad time that day. but i managed to pull off a low key event and i drank wine which helped. i reported it to my attorney. that was thursday. then on fri my payroll check was not in my bank account. i had fumes left in my checking so i was counting on it being there...as it has been for going on 9 years. but no not there. new fin mgr fucked up put the wrong date didn't notice it was a sat. no money. bills due. rent. car.got an advance by check of $400 to cover. photo deposit on phone not working. banks says we've never seen anything like it. deposit it at credit union service center. sat drive to ypsilanti to deposit check. weds i call my bank ask to borrow 1K. got approved but they give me more to pay off my high interest credit cards..so eliminated those monthly payments.
i worry about money all the time. it makes me feel v vulnerable not to have enough to care for myself. . i dont manage my money in a logical way i have a distant relationship with it. true, no one taught me but im way past the age of "i got this" its not rocket science but my behaviors get in the way.
so double whammy last week on money fears. yes im drinking wine and smokin pot to change my feelings.
had meeting with Maggie. She was nice to me. ind even. that made for a difficult day. that was weds. had a staff retreat immediately after. I was in f/f. i had to work at staying present. to hear what was being said. i decided safer not to say anything until i had calmed down. it took two hours.
now deep into cleaning and organizing. new altar set. kitchen cupboards reorged. paying bills.
be back later today 7:54 a.m.
back
11:14 a.m.
been shopping
shopping and now eating fried chicken from plum. v good. ive been eating pretty much whatever i want today and yesterday.
6:21 p.m.
big decision made.getting rid of one shelvig unit and replacing with another with more storage.
new altar made.made a goddess altar in honor of michfest. doing lots laundry. clean sheets tonight.
mag was what you might call a "maybe this time" chance i took. but no more than that. just a frail hope that maybe it will happen this time. it didnt.
but ....maybe this time i can tell myself and believe it that im just human and i made a human mistake.i though she would bring security but instead she brought threats. that heart attack scenario at the end had my brother jimmy's name and behavior all over it. manipulator.
i still on occasion find some little remnant of her and immediately get rid of it. pisses me off when i find something. i let it go by getting rid of the object. letting go.
im de-cluttering. so far did kitchen shelves, scarf drawer,
made a mess at the house because that i can remedy.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Michfest diaspora
A diaspora (from Greek διασπορά, "scattering, dispersion") is a scattered population with a common origin in a smaller geographic locale.
HART, Michigan
Re-entry is difficult. I've been away from work and stress and home and loneliness for 7 days. Surrounded by voices and bodies of womyn, the sound of the shuttle, tent zippers, and the performers and artists on stages. My first trip was in the early nineties and my last is now a memory. I am so incredibly sad that the 40th was declared the last. I never feel safer or more sisterly love than when I am at Michfest.
The festival was an opening for me. It nourished me, it helped me define my self. I had a strong sense of belonging when there, a land where womyn from all over the world gathered, only womyn. seven days all made by womyn who wanted it, needed it so they created it and sustained it. Womyn confident and strong, amazon womyn.
I went by myself this time. Robbie and Julie and I drove there a day early to get in line for our favored camping spots. We were in the first 100 cars. Spent the day meeting womyn, being excited, laughing and just enjoying us..in anticipation of what would happen next. We slept overnight in our cars. I camped by myself in over 50's. I got up every morning and made my way as an observer in a place I knew I was going to lose, that was never going to be again.
I attended the Allies in Understanding workshops again this year. Which helped me get through those final days ..to help carry myself forward in this loss and to remember all that was great and good and original and spiritual about myself and my time there. We reminded ourselves about radical listening, discussed our impending diaspora and what people do to remind themselves of their lost land and culture, how to remember through food, and create rituals to keep it close and never forgotten. We talked about the importance of stories as a way not to disappear.
All this made me think about my own story. The story of my steps to the place I occupy now and my steps to where I want to go. Importance of story. I also felt validated for all the work I have done in my womyn's community as we recognized the lesbain feminist activism that brought so much forward in the lives of womyn. Starting with my activism and rights for single mom's, ERA campaigning, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Simple Gifts for the women's shelter, work against rape and sexual assault, Ujima, HAG, and now work in diversity and inclusion in philanthropy.
...please help this lovely and emotional woman.
On the last day I rose and struck what had been my shelter for a week, my campsite and gear. I packed up and carried it down to the shuttle stop, five trips I think. I was sweaty and exhausted physically and so sad. Had breakfast and said goodbye to R and J and headed off to get my gear loaded and get to the gate.But in my last moments I had made a mistake, I hauled all my stuff to a drop off not a pick up spot. I turned right when I should have turned left. The womyn driving the tractor was clear about where I should be and the rules, and really unwilling to help. I knew I could not carry all the gear to the right spot it was too far and I was spent. So I walked across to the night stage security post and asked for help from a womyn I had never met. Susan saw me. Me, through my exhaustion and emotional tears. Susan was reassuring and kind and confident that she could help me, one womyn of 6000+. She began working the short wave radio and asked the tractor driver on her next swing around if I could please jump on with my gear. Tractor lady said no. It was comforting that Susan was willing to help me. After a while I suggested that maybe I could haul everything to DART and catch a ride to the gate there and she agreed it was worth a try. I asked her how will I convince them to let me on a vehicle to the gate, and she said I am going to write you a note. I hauled my gear in three trips to DART and handed the note to the womyn in charge of gate shuttles there. She was kind and helpful, and did not judge the situation just accepted me and cautioned about a wait, and I was content to wait. Then I heard my name being called, and there was a womyn standing there who had been sent by Susan to get me to the gate. Susan had not dropped her promise to help me. She remembered I was there in need. We took my gear to the van and headed out for the gate with one stop to pick up two families at Sprouts. My eyes starting tearing again behind my big sunglasses when I felt the driver's hands take hold of mine. A simple gentle act of kindness, a touch to reassure me that she saw me, felt my pain and understood. She and I chatted all the way to the gate and she invited me to the Ohio womyn,s music festival in Sept. which I am considering. I will never forget these last few moments on the land, and remember the power of gentle kindness between womyn.
HART, Michigan
I attended the Allies in Understanding workshops again this year. Which helped me get through those final days ..to help carry myself forward in this loss and to remember all that was great and good and original and spiritual about myself and my time there. We reminded ourselves about radical listening, discussed our impending diaspora and what people do to remind themselves of their lost land and culture, how to remember through food, and create rituals to keep it close and never forgotten. We talked about the importance of stories as a way not to disappear.
All this made me think about my own story. The story of my steps to the place I occupy now and my steps to where I want to go. Importance of story. I also felt validated for all the work I have done in my womyn's community as we recognized the lesbain feminist activism that brought so much forward in the lives of womyn. Starting with my activism and rights for single mom's, ERA campaigning, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Simple Gifts for the women's shelter, work against rape and sexual assault, Ujima, HAG, and now work in diversity and inclusion in philanthropy.
...please help this lovely and emotional woman.
On the last day I rose and struck what had been my shelter for a week, my campsite and gear. I packed up and carried it down to the shuttle stop, five trips I think. I was sweaty and exhausted physically and so sad. Had breakfast and said goodbye to R and J and headed off to get my gear loaded and get to the gate.But in my last moments I had made a mistake, I hauled all my stuff to a drop off not a pick up spot. I turned right when I should have turned left. The womyn driving the tractor was clear about where I should be and the rules, and really unwilling to help. I knew I could not carry all the gear to the right spot it was too far and I was spent. So I walked across to the night stage security post and asked for help from a womyn I had never met. Susan saw me. Me, through my exhaustion and emotional tears. Susan was reassuring and kind and confident that she could help me, one womyn of 6000+. She began working the short wave radio and asked the tractor driver on her next swing around if I could please jump on with my gear. Tractor lady said no. It was comforting that Susan was willing to help me. After a while I suggested that maybe I could haul everything to DART and catch a ride to the gate there and she agreed it was worth a try. I asked her how will I convince them to let me on a vehicle to the gate, and she said I am going to write you a note. I hauled my gear in three trips to DART and handed the note to the womyn in charge of gate shuttles there. She was kind and helpful, and did not judge the situation just accepted me and cautioned about a wait, and I was content to wait. Then I heard my name being called, and there was a womyn standing there who had been sent by Susan to get me to the gate. Susan had not dropped her promise to help me. She remembered I was there in need. We took my gear to the van and headed out for the gate with one stop to pick up two families at Sprouts. My eyes starting tearing again behind my big sunglasses when I felt the driver's hands take hold of mine. A simple gentle act of kindness, a touch to reassure me that she saw me, felt my pain and understood. She and I chatted all the way to the gate and she invited me to the Ohio womyn,s music festival in Sept. which I am considering. I will never forget these last few moments on the land, and remember the power of gentle kindness between womyn.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
better
i am feeling better. i am feeling better. i am eating healthier and i am working out and it does feel good and i am having fun doing it. taking meds as instructed. self care on the increase.
some bit of hope has returned and crept into my consciousness.
meditation would be helpful.
regret and remorse have been on my mind. prevalent. robbed of so many options because i told myself it wasn't possible for me. it made me feel vulnerable to think of me and big ideas. robbed of joy. robbed of time. ripped off. deprived.
to write the book and tell my story means that i might be victimized again-that's the fear that stops me. . people will reject me, abandon me, judge me negatively...it feels like im just letting myself off the hook by forgiving myself. so i don't forgive myself. i have not yet learned how to not be to be complicit in the crimes that were committed by me is a burden of grief and shame.
it is what makes me cry every morning. it is as if at that moment every day i feel the heft of it across my shoulders and the sheer weight of it makes me cry. every day. for many many years now.
i talked about amanda because i am worried about kate. the first year after amanda died i kept thinking i was going to lose kate. worried about kate she feels distant and unhealthy.
some bit of hope has returned and crept into my consciousness.
meditation would be helpful.
regret and remorse have been on my mind. prevalent. robbed of so many options because i told myself it wasn't possible for me. it made me feel vulnerable to think of me and big ideas. robbed of joy. robbed of time. ripped off. deprived.
to write the book and tell my story means that i might be victimized again-that's the fear that stops me. . people will reject me, abandon me, judge me negatively...it feels like im just letting myself off the hook by forgiving myself. so i don't forgive myself. i have not yet learned how to not be to be complicit in the crimes that were committed by me is a burden of grief and shame.
it is what makes me cry every morning. it is as if at that moment every day i feel the heft of it across my shoulders and the sheer weight of it makes me cry. every day. for many many years now.
i talked about amanda because i am worried about kate. the first year after amanda died i kept thinking i was going to lose kate. worried about kate she feels distant and unhealthy.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
learning
July 3 2015
under attack by scam credit collectors in May. all energy went to responding and throwing cold water on my ptsd. really threw me down and out with fear, shame and guilt, despite the FACT that it was clearly a scam. everyone could see that. but it didn't feel that way, to me. to me it felt i was under attack and in jeopardy of loosing everything. i think i am coping better than i really am.
there is a recalibration happening too which makes these experiences different than they were in my past. as i allow myself more vulnerable feelings the fear becomes greater. Fear increases not decreases. toughness would make behave and look tougher. vulnerability makes me look weak. and this is where i am supposed to jump in and say that it take more bravery to be vulnerable than it does to look tough.
but i also learned -again- that my resilience saves me. i do survive, nothing really bad happened and i feel safe again. as safe as i allow myself to feel. aye there the rub...maybe more accurate to say i feel safer than i did in May.
I have learned through some innovative dna testing that what i needed was more folic acid, to make the Welbrutin effective. the chemical chain was broken. i started taking folic acid and have already greatly lowered my Wellbrutin dose.feel better. also feel exhausted. struggling with tiredness. most likely the cortisol that charged me up or made a bear for hard work has fallen away and i find i am exhausted. my main source of atomic energy at bay. how do I get back energy without living in a constant state of flight or fight?
under attack by scam credit collectors in May. all energy went to responding and throwing cold water on my ptsd. really threw me down and out with fear, shame and guilt, despite the FACT that it was clearly a scam. everyone could see that. but it didn't feel that way, to me. to me it felt i was under attack and in jeopardy of loosing everything. i think i am coping better than i really am.
there is a recalibration happening too which makes these experiences different than they were in my past. as i allow myself more vulnerable feelings the fear becomes greater. Fear increases not decreases. toughness would make behave and look tougher. vulnerability makes me look weak. and this is where i am supposed to jump in and say that it take more bravery to be vulnerable than it does to look tough.
but i also learned -again- that my resilience saves me. i do survive, nothing really bad happened and i feel safe again. as safe as i allow myself to feel. aye there the rub...maybe more accurate to say i feel safer than i did in May.
I have learned through some innovative dna testing that what i needed was more folic acid, to make the Welbrutin effective. the chemical chain was broken. i started taking folic acid and have already greatly lowered my Wellbrutin dose.feel better. also feel exhausted. struggling with tiredness. most likely the cortisol that charged me up or made a bear for hard work has fallen away and i find i am exhausted. my main source of atomic energy at bay. how do I get back energy without living in a constant state of flight or fight?
Monday, May 18, 2015
agreements and etc.
Reading the four agreements and I can see why D wanted me to read it. I do like it. Treating it like a motel bible I have a copy in both current travel destinations. Seems odd to be traveling back n forth so much. Trip is getting easier.
Memory loss or lapses or amnesia concerns me. It seems severe. Suddenly more so, and new to the experience, just not remembering, as if it never happened.
I have to go to work today and it is the last thing I want to do. Last. Yesterday was perfectly horrid. I am again binging to forget all that I am seeing and feeling. It is too much to bear. It is wearing me down and I am rebelling in old ways. Ways I had stopped for years.
perfectly horrid
because i stopped the feelings
but what i had to do to stop them
sugar
lots
sleep
pot sugar sleep
that was the perfect part.. the sleep
soft sheets and pillows
purring cat
comfort
sleep
I awake yesterday at 3 and was on the road by 3:30 a.m. got to A2 by 9 a.m.
and spent the day as described
now today i must normalize and go to work and work
stat a new journal
throw out anything from M..still finding odds and ends
and that is what she was-- just odds and ends.
now swept into a dustpan...and lost to the landfill
along with her un-forwarded mail
panic
if they only knew
nothing bad is going to happen
but something bad always happens
so when i tell myself to calm down
i immediately revert and remember trauma and loss
and say no something bad will happen
last Thursday day after therapy
why does it take me so long to get angry at what has happened to me, why don't I get the anger out right away. Because it is not safe. It is not safe to express my anger, my brother's threats prevented me expressing my anger. The fear being that if I express my anger I would lose the love of my family. I would be outcast. powerful stuff.
Last Friday leaving for bflo
Express anger through activism.
leave this afternoon for bflo, again.
drive getting easier. im the little engine that does.
ever ready bunny
Memory loss or lapses or amnesia concerns me. It seems severe. Suddenly more so, and new to the experience, just not remembering, as if it never happened.
I have to go to work today and it is the last thing I want to do. Last. Yesterday was perfectly horrid. I am again binging to forget all that I am seeing and feeling. It is too much to bear. It is wearing me down and I am rebelling in old ways. Ways I had stopped for years.
perfectly horrid
because i stopped the feelings
but what i had to do to stop them
sugar
lots
sleep
pot sugar sleep
that was the perfect part.. the sleep
soft sheets and pillows
purring cat
comfort
sleep
I awake yesterday at 3 and was on the road by 3:30 a.m. got to A2 by 9 a.m.
and spent the day as described
now today i must normalize and go to work and work
stat a new journal
throw out anything from M..still finding odds and ends
and that is what she was-- just odds and ends.
now swept into a dustpan...and lost to the landfill
along with her un-forwarded mail
panic
if they only knew
nothing bad is going to happen
but something bad always happens
so when i tell myself to calm down
i immediately revert and remember trauma and loss
and say no something bad will happen
last Thursday day after therapy
why does it take me so long to get angry at what has happened to me, why don't I get the anger out right away. Because it is not safe. It is not safe to express my anger, my brother's threats prevented me expressing my anger. The fear being that if I express my anger I would lose the love of my family. I would be outcast. powerful stuff.
Last Friday leaving for bflo
Express anger through activism.
leave this afternoon for bflo, again.
drive getting easier. im the little engine that does.
ever ready bunny
Thursday, May 14, 2015
buffalo buffalo buffalo
so very different from A2, it is striking ... how different.
here doing dyke march work .. meetings and stuff.
i am suspended between feelings of hope and feelings of should i come home?
here is maybe a better place for me to be creative. the dyke march has given me a place to be creative...despite the horrible heat and only ac in my car not where I am staying shit
sense of belonging very strong here
feel safe here
but being around Kate full time would be a stressor
she is so full of anxiety
being home is familiar and I feel so unfamiliar to myself right now, that being home is a comfort
here doing dyke march work .. meetings and stuff.
i am suspended between feelings of hope and feelings of should i come home?
here is maybe a better place for me to be creative. the dyke march has given me a place to be creative...despite the horrible heat and only ac in my car not where I am staying shit
sense of belonging very strong here
feel safe here
but being around Kate full time would be a stressor
she is so full of anxiety
being home is familiar and I feel so unfamiliar to myself right now, that being home is a comfort
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
resistant and persistent
i am resisitent and resilient
some of my resilience comes from
This past week in Buffalo I met a young woman who was carrying a world full of hurt. And i had an opportunity to learn again that what has saved me from being her...is my resilience. That is why I am still vertical.
I am not going to give up. I will continue to seek help and resources, I will continue to curate my self care, and I will continue to find positive meaning.
I believe that i am resistant and persistent and need to practice consistent.
some of my resilience comes from
- Close relationship with my father
- confidence in my strengths and abilities
- Good problem-solving and communication skills
- Seeking help and resources
- Seeing myself as resilient (rather than as a victim)
- Helping others
- Finding positive meaning in my life despite difficult or traumatic event
This past week in Buffalo I met a young woman who was carrying a world full of hurt. And i had an opportunity to learn again that what has saved me from being her...is my resilience. That is why I am still vertical.
I am not going to give up. I will continue to seek help and resources, I will continue to curate my self care, and I will continue to find positive meaning.
I believe that i am resistant and persistent and need to practice consistent.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
doc and doc
doc w says she is not happy because I am not happy. ok I'll up your wellbrutin but if this doesn't help i want you to see a psychiatrist. tell your therapist I'm not happy that you're not sleeping, not swimming, your blood pressure is up, just tell her for me that I am not happy that you are not happy.
doc d wants me to read the four agreements. i am. i like.
had a v difficult week. nightmares about childhood sexual abuse. new ones and now remembering others. some dreams/nightmares stay with you forever. more vomiting. more anxiety. more trying to calm myself. more eating whatever I want and now drinking every day. no exercising in more than a week.
doc d wants me to read the four agreements. i am. i like.
had a v difficult week. nightmares about childhood sexual abuse. new ones and now remembering others. some dreams/nightmares stay with you forever. more vomiting. more anxiety. more trying to calm myself. more eating whatever I want and now drinking every day. no exercising in more than a week.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
not enough to suffer
weds april 22
its not enough to suffer, whats the point of that? it has to count for something
so far in my life it has counted for
momma single parent group 1975-78
erie county task force against rape and sexual assault training of nurse docs lawyers judges teachers da office cops sheriffs high school students and ourselves
ujima theatre co.
prosecution of my rapist/rapist of at least 11 other women
hag theatre and my art
dykes do drag
pride festival moved from just drag queens to everyone in alphabet
dyke march buffalo
big gap cancer battle and recovery
racial equality in philanthropy
more art
love of artists
now
when will i say I have suffered enough?
will i be able to convince my body to stop truggering the thoughts
how will i stop the entrenched thought of unworthiness
when will the river of tears stop
could i ever allow myself to be truly vulnerable
will i ever dump the exaggerated startle response
enough already enough 55 years of enough
what replaces what fills up the empty space left behind by allowing suffering to exit stage left
what enters stage right and replaces it?
when am i center stage
choose courage over comfort and the familiar
choose the unfamiliar
keep saying the words outloud
keep telling
stop keeping secrets
stop speaking to please therapist
its not enough to suffer, whats the point of that? it has to count for something
so far in my life it has counted for
momma single parent group 1975-78
erie county task force against rape and sexual assault training of nurse docs lawyers judges teachers da office cops sheriffs high school students and ourselves
ujima theatre co.
prosecution of my rapist/rapist of at least 11 other women
hag theatre and my art
dykes do drag
pride festival moved from just drag queens to everyone in alphabet
dyke march buffalo
big gap cancer battle and recovery
racial equality in philanthropy
more art
love of artists
now
when will i say I have suffered enough?
will i be able to convince my body to stop truggering the thoughts
how will i stop the entrenched thought of unworthiness
when will the river of tears stop
could i ever allow myself to be truly vulnerable
will i ever dump the exaggerated startle response
enough already enough 55 years of enough
what replaces what fills up the empty space left behind by allowing suffering to exit stage left
what enters stage right and replaces it?
when am i center stage
choose courage over comfort and the familiar
choose the unfamiliar
keep saying the words outloud
keep telling
stop keeping secrets
stop speaking to please therapist
Monday, April 20, 2015
week/end
kate and company this past weekend and i was exhausted until i slept nine hours last night
struggling still to manage my stress...which is off the chart at this point. sugars are high i am eating to calm down not to be healthy and my work outs are sporadic not consistent. i have achieved low sugars healthy eating and regular exercise which informs me that i can do it and feel better when i do.
still shaky. bought the four agreements and am reading. i am locking door on regular basis now. had a coffee date with a woman from ypsi. mixed feelings. something about her is a bit off for me. might be her anger which is absolute and has no room for compassion. seems trans inclusive for michfest but her fb implies she feels differently. makes me uncomfortable. and i don't see her being attentive to me = to the attention i would give her, if i was to continue seeing her. much of our politics in line with one another but not all.
tired at work and forcing myself to go. this is my last year at hrwc. i need something that excites me. that motivates me. my work there is obligatory.tasks are piling up and im not caring..im avoiding. that is difficult for me. time to seriously assess how to move out and forward. need less hetero patriarchal normative.
projects i a m currently working on
dyke march buffalo
pear kenya
girls group
queer community center a2 ypsi
ark show
racial equity philanthropy afp
accountability
and then there is me. working on me
brene brown workshop
dalton
the robbery is dominating my thoughts. the robbery of my ability to experience joy
ntozake shange gimme back my stuff keeps playing in my mind
why did i make room for the man my brother who took my stuff and never really knew it?
struggling still to manage my stress...which is off the chart at this point. sugars are high i am eating to calm down not to be healthy and my work outs are sporadic not consistent. i have achieved low sugars healthy eating and regular exercise which informs me that i can do it and feel better when i do.
still shaky. bought the four agreements and am reading. i am locking door on regular basis now. had a coffee date with a woman from ypsi. mixed feelings. something about her is a bit off for me. might be her anger which is absolute and has no room for compassion. seems trans inclusive for michfest but her fb implies she feels differently. makes me uncomfortable. and i don't see her being attentive to me = to the attention i would give her, if i was to continue seeing her. much of our politics in line with one another but not all.
tired at work and forcing myself to go. this is my last year at hrwc. i need something that excites me. that motivates me. my work there is obligatory.tasks are piling up and im not caring..im avoiding. that is difficult for me. time to seriously assess how to move out and forward. need less hetero patriarchal normative.
projects i a m currently working on
dyke march buffalo
pear kenya
girls group
queer community center a2 ypsi
ark show
racial equity philanthropy afp
accountability
and then there is me. working on me
brene brown workshop
dalton
the robbery is dominating my thoughts. the robbery of my ability to experience joy
ntozake shange gimme back my stuff keeps playing in my mind
- "somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff" – Lady in Green
why did i make room for the man my brother who took my stuff and never really knew it?
Monday, April 13, 2015
regardless
From the amazing ...Lynn
Breedlove
how to
be happy regardless of whatever bullshit is going down.
1.
sometimes you get fame. sometimes you get disrepute. maintain enough distance
from everyone's reaction to ride waves without tipping over.
2. if you find yourself thinking, i bent over backwards for you and this is the
thanks i get! ask yourself why youre in that uncomfortable position. everyone's
annoying from down there. straighten up and keep moving toward fun people.
3. life is boot camp. other people's hostility is practice for other arenas. as
a comic, for example, detachment from jerky behavior trains you to riff off
heckles, or stay focused until you start killing.
4. if you dont feel appreciated, do less.
5. YOUR boundaries control YOUR behavior, as much as you'd like to think they control
others.
6. before heading into a treacherous situation such as your family, visualize
yourself not freaking out at the inevitable.
7. admit your family freaks you out. you probably freak them out too. everyones
freaking out. pretend you are patient and kind, and one day you will be.
8. assess your chosen mood adaptors. does ingestion of certain substances
always seem to happen in conjunction with mishaps? adjust accordingly.
9. if you cant, get friends to help. unless they're in same boat.
in which case steer clear and hang with people who aren't, until said mood
adaptor stops running you.
10. do what's necessary now. then have fun until
next necessary work comes up. if you find yourself worrying, set alarm. google
problem. after ten minutes of study, have fun.
11. if you cant have fun, make list o shit that
might be fun if only you... (fill in blank).
12. when you are not having fun, consult list. pick
something. do it.
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